A close friend had already told me about the planning for the event, but when the invitation arrived, I was still apprehensive.<\/p>\n

A church we had been deeply involved with for many years was having a homecoming service and lunch to bring former members together for a time of remembrance and healing. This is a body of people whom we deeply loved. But the officers, who were all wise and intelligent individually, could not, at the time we left, provide the corporate leadership needed to bring the congregation out of a closet.<\/p>\n

However, when we left the church, I handled it poorly. When my term as an active officer ended, we left without telling anyone about our intentions to not return. We weren\u2019t mad. We just wanted to grow, and in my mind, that meant leaving and moving on. For some of our friends we left behind, it meant desertion.<\/p>\n

Over time, we followed up with most of the people and mended feelings the best we could. Though we were not in close proximity, our relationships with a few of our friends continued to grow deeper and, as expected, with others drifted apart. Relationships require work to maintain, and, to some degree proximity.<\/p>\n

On the day of the event, we entered the church with the same apprehension with which we had opened the invitation\u00a0 \u2013 who would be delighted to see us and who would not? Old friends who understood why we left the church greeted us with shouts of joy. A small handful of folks who were angry when we left were still angry 15 years later. The unsurprising thing was that they weren\u2019t necessarily angry with us – they\u2019ve simply continued to live lives of unresolved anger and unforgiveness.<\/p>\n

The eerie thing was that the experience of being in the church felt virtually the same as when we left. Except for adding years to the bodies of all of us, there had been very little growth. The same people were in leadership and hardly anyone new had come to the church and stayed there. We felt we had walked into a time capsule where people had a choice to change, but had made the decision not to. The issues they were \u201cwrestling\u201d with 15 years ago were the same ones today. And to my understanding, no one in the church, including the leadership, had ever made an intentional attempt to seek healing by offering an apology for past hurts that had been committed. And to that fact alone, I would attribute the stagnation of the spiritual growth of not just this church but a number of others I\u2019m aware of.<\/p>\n

It was a very frightening reminder to me of the importance of dealing with past hurts in a timely manner and not allowing them to stagnate to the point that pride prevents one from ever dealing with it again.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve come to realize that there are people who are particularly suited to getting big things started \u2013 whether in churches or companies \u2013 but are not particularly strong at maintenance. That was our stage of life at the time. But understanding that does not heal hurt feelings. Healing usually requires a very intentional and thoughtful process of apology and patience.<\/p>\n

My style of communication can be rather direct, so even though I\u2019ve had my feelings hurt a number of times, I\u2019m sure my ratio of having hurt others to being hurt is much higher. Consequently, I\u2019ve begun to understand the importance of apology to restoring a relationship. Without acknowledging one\u2019s actions in breaking a relationship, a person can\u2019t expect the relationship to ever heal. When people are hurt, they don\u2019t just get over it without consciously making the decision to do so. And most people won\u2019t move on without an apology.<\/p>\n

Understanding this, I have learned – and am still learning – how to make a more effective apology. If you\u2019re interested in learning the basic elements of an apology I recommend reading John Kador\u2019s blog<\/a>, \u201cApology Matters\u201d where you can also find his book \u201cEffective Apology\u201d. I also suggest Gary Chapman\u2019s \u201cThe Five Languages of Apology\u201d<\/a>. These resources provide an incredible foundation to restore fractured relationships in one\u2019s life.<\/p>\n

What\u2019s your experience with anger? Do you see a hurt that needs healing? What can you do now to resolve it?<\/p>\n

Charles<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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