Charles Gupton

Attitude

Wanna Change Minds? Create a New Story.

“In your zeal to persuade, you will stifle the voice of the other side. Misusing art to preach, your story will become a thinly discussed sermon as you strive in a single stroke to convert the world. – Robert McKee in “Story.

I believe the raw emotional desire of many people to be a part of something bigger than themselves overshadows their effectiveness in having a significant impact on things that have meaning to them.

The issue of same-sex marriage is one that is already polarizing and will only become more so. An interesting point to me is the number of people I know who don’t have a dog in the fight, per say — they’re in a heterosexual marriage with minimal contact with homosexuals — but see the debate as an issue of justice and have decided to take a stand.

I know equally committed people who believe that the sanctity of one man/one woman is the only foundation of marriage. Their concern is not only for loosening the definition of marriage. Many people believe that increasing tolerance for homosexuality also allows increasing acceptance of multiple-spouse marriages, sexual relationships between adults and children, and bestiality.

As I listen to many people present their reasoning for their point of view, not only do they believe their side is right, but they are so entrenched and immovable that no common ground can be established or tolerated. The image in my mind is from WWI battlefield scenes in which the enemies are dug in for the long fight. The ground between them is a no-man’s land strewn with barbed wire and casualties of battle.

I am strongly opinionated and have jumped into far more fights than I care to remember. Several have been life-altering and broken close friendships which have never healed. Looking back on the battles, a few of my views have not changed much. But the a majority of them have. If I were in politics, you would definitely call me a “flip flopper.” I call it growth. Maturity. Wisdom.

Using story is more effective in changing others' points of view than being more dogmatic about your own.

Time and experience have a way of filing off the sharp points. They may not alter the core make-up of our being, but like water constantly flowing over granite, we smooth out little by little over time.

Intransigence has its value. There are absolutes we should be willing to be bound by.

My issue is not with the inherent truths we believe. My concern is whether I am, and you are, actually making an impact or just making noise. Use your power to create useful electricity, not more static.

Whether two sides are firing mortars or insults, neither is affecting the change they want to see. When each side’s primary dogma is to undermine the enemy’s dogma, very little gets accomplished.

I deeply believe the human heart is called to be out of itself, to a purpose far bigger and more expansive than it can achieve on its own. To reach that purpose, it must develop the capacity to listen.

Blasting someone with your “facts” and your opinion won’t change their views. The only way to affect others’ views is to change the way they see themselves in their larger stories. To do that, you need to understand where they fit in their own story.

You have a decision to make. Do you want to continue with your emotional screed or do you want to be effective, to have an impact on changing the story? You can’t do both.

Charles

An Alternative to Hate

I’ve been thinking about hate a lot more than I’d like.

I got a couple of emails from an old buddy of mine this past week. Herman is an atheist and one of the qualities I enjoyed about our friendship years ago was our lively discussions about theology and spiritual matters.  I enjoy healthy, friendly debate and seek out relationships with people who have a different point of view from my own. I don’t need people to tell me more of what I already believe.

From the tenor of the emails, my old friend had shifted from being passionate to dogmatic anger, from reason to hate. Not pretty.

I understand where anger comes from. A lot of folks are afraid and feel out of control. When we feel out of control of our lives we often look at who we think may be threatening our security and want to take them out. But it doesn’t really work. Not for long, at least.

We’ve seen a lot of that anger on the political fronts where Republicans are afraid of Democrats and do everything they can – including wasting millions of dollars of taxpayers‘ money – to hurt their perceived opposition with petty politics. And vice versa.

On Facebook, I have several “friends” who exhibit outright hatred of all conservatives, and other “friends” who mirror the vitriol with their posts against everyone who’s liberal. Although some of the posts are somewhat amusing, most are sad and fearful.

One of the most powerful lessons I learned from reading Stephen Covey many years ago was the power of working within the circles of influence around us. Focusing energy into changing things we can influence can make a huge difference. Putting resources into arenas in which we have very little influence is seldom ever effective. It’s also a drain on the “juice” we do have available.

The irony is that most of the areas I see angry people target their hate at are areas outside of their influence. So their vitriol is serving no useful purpose. It’s just stirring up an already muddy pond.

The most effective way to affect change is to build trust. Interestingly, voicing your anger and hatred doesn’t actually make you feel any better, just more angry. I know this road from having traveled it so often.

And telling people we hate them doesn’t cause them to change.

One definition of insanity is to continue to do the same thing repeatedly expecting different results. So why not try something different from anger.

Charles

Where’s Your Heart?

I think I should watch more tennis on TV. Although I seldom allow myself the time to watch the sport I most enjoy, I’m always charged up afterwards.

I only watched two matches from the recent Wimbledon tournament – the quarterfinals match between Roger Federer and Jo-Wilfred Tsonga and the finals match between Novak Djokovic and Rafael Nadal. In both encounters, not only did the underdog win, but I believe he also stunned the expected winner.

The first reason for the underdog’s success was conditioning, both physical and mental. In the Federer/Tsonga match, Federer won the first two sets (out of the best of five). He went into the match with a 178-0 record against opponents after taking the first two sets. The odds were certainly in his favor and I think he expected Tsonga to know this and give up.

The second reason that the underdogs won was attitude, or heart. Tsonga wouldn’t give up. He ran down every shot and hit amazing returns time and again. He never showed any sign of mental or physical weakness. I believe Federer was caught resting on his accomplishments and expecting his opponent to respectfully give up.

Are you willing to run all out?

In the finals, I saw the same traits in a different order. Djokovic stepped on the court to win and dominated the first two sets. When his focus blurred in the third set, Nadal seized on the lapse and won the set. A visibly shaken Djokovic recovered his mojo in the fourth set to win.

So what?

The reason I care is that I know a number of photographers, designers and myriad business people who were once at the top of their game. Not only were they winning nearly all the business that came their way, but they also captured most of the awards their industry handed out.

Then change happened. Younger players, or possibly new players displaced from another career, entered the game and caused disruptions in the rankings. The established players wanted to coast. They didn’t want to learn new technology or develop better mental, and often physical, conditioning. They wanted their achievements to be respected.

But new players want a piece of the glory. They’re often willing to work harder and smarter. They read blogs, leverage social media and go to more networking opportunities. When it comes to the crunch time, they often show more “heart.” When they do, they often win. Established players often have the attitude that younger players should wait and “pay their dues.” But players – young and old – with heart, play to win.

Where are you in your game? What are you doing to develop your conditioning? And your attitude?

Charles

Exercise Your Gratitude

I like to think of gratitude as a muscle rather than a feeling.

When I miss a few weeks of playing tennis or swimming, I now know that the muscles associated with those activities are going to be especially stiff as I start because they haven’t been used much. Finding them again can be rather uncomfortable.

It’s much the same with gratitude. Too frequently, I get so busy with activities that I don’t slow down enough to be truly grateful for the many, simple pleasures and blessings that surround me.

I'm grateful for the walking trails on our farm.

I took a long, cool drink of water from our spring yesterday, I realized how much I take our water for granted. It was a very warm afternoon and I was soaked from doing outside labor. That drink of water was about the best thing I could imagine having. As my gratitude “muscle” got stretched with that thought, other pleasures started trickling into my mind until it was flooded with experiences that I often overlook, but are of great consequence in my life. Good health. A great marriage. Work that I love. Great food that we grow and enjoy eating. Long walks on the trails we’ve been clearing on our land. The ability to walk. Helpful neighbors. An enjoyable dog. A love of reading.

As I allowed my gratitude muscle to have a good workout, my entire body and mind were re-energized. My body was still tired, but it was a great, “I’ve-been-doing-meaningful-work” kind of tired that allows one to sleep well and wake up to hit a new day with purpose and zeal.

Unfortunately, a state of ongoing gratitude is not where I live. I need to remind myself daily to focus my attention on that exercise. It’s way too easy to live in the mindset of focusing on what I don’t have. To strive for what I’m missing — rather than enjoying what is already filling my life with completeness.

When I hear about a great project a peer is working on or an exciting vacation a friend is about to take, I have a choice to make. I can elect to be jealous or I can be truly excited for their windfall. My reaction is a strong indication of my state of mind. Am I in a place of abundant gratitude or scarceness and envy?

Here’s are some questions we can ask ourselves. If outsiders to our lives were to consider our condition, would they feel envy or pity? If you focus on what you have, even for a moment, rather than what you want, does it change your perspective? Does it impact your level of energy when you give your gratitude muscle a workout?

Charles

Endless Re-Entry

I kind of followed my own advice from my previous blog post when I decided to shut up and do my work. I decided to drop away from most meetings that were not assignment related and almost all extracurricular activities including most social media outlets or any web surfing to get several projects completed.

The primary project has been to get all of my branding materials including website, business cards, documents, emailers, etc. to have one consistent look. No three elements of my materials were consistent in either content or design with each other.

It is amazing to me how few of the businesses that are in the business of working with companies on branding materials have their own materials in order. I’ve been just as guilty, and needed to get my house in order.

Unfortunately, the only way I know to get anything which requires extreme focus done, is to drop away from everything that is not urgent, even if it is important. Because I’ve made a commitment to get the MindFire newsletter out twice each month, I focused particular attention on getting that written and shipped. And of course, there are those assignments which actually keeps the mortgage paid and the power on, not to mention groceries in the cupboards.

But virtually every social and business engagement that is not urgent on any given day got cut. That means having hurt some feelings of people who are important but don’t have urgent needs to respond to. But, of course, when someone thinks their matter is important, it becomes urgent to them. Thus, some singed emotions.

I have been trying for some time to stay slightly engaged on all fronts without any noticeable slippage. But what slips is not seen on the stage necessarily, it’s behind the curtain of life. Most of it comes in the form of diminished mental and physical health when we never let down on our outside appearance of being “on.” The other areas that get a hit are those that require a lot of focused attention such as writing or creating a new vision.

What I’m having to come to accept is that, as an introvert at heart, I need time away from engagement with people to regain energy and focus. I also need my own permission to exit and take this time away. When I do re-enter, I’m always charged up with renewed energy and excitement because some of the pressure to get important stuff done is relieved and I have attention to share with people again. It’s a very good thing. But, as much as I get tired of explaining that to others, I get even more tired of having to explain it to myself.

Charles