Charles Gupton

Charles Gupton

A Celebration of Investment

Thirty-five years ago, we were married. United in a ceremony in which we committed to the words, “until death us do part.”

Yet five years after that November day in 1979, we were in the process of planning a divorce. We were two years ahead of the seven-year itch, ready to separate our possessions and our lives.

We had grown in different directions and were in the mindset of portioning out what little we owned into boxes that would accompany each of us as we struck out on our individual, no longer united journeys.

There was no surface acrimony. We were eerily calm and reflective about the whole affair. But even the most well thought out logic is deeply infused with emotion.

In a moment of what I credit to be divine insight, I proposed that we take a month off from our plans to separate and, instead, go on a series of dates and act as if we were trying to get to know each other again. To ask questions about each other’s interest and explore them with the same degree of interest that we would if we were dating someone new, which we figured we might be doing relatively soon anyway.

As crazy as it sounds, it worked. 

What had caused us to grow apart was a lack of willingness to grow together, to maintain a desire to express a genuine interest in what the other cared about.

Occasionally, I’ll hear the story of a couple that has had 30, 40, or even 50+ years of marital bliss. It has not been all rainbows and glitter for us through the years since. There were several times that we could have easily split apart. What kept us from pulling apart were the lessons we learned from that first near-divorce.

Although it was painful at the time, our imminent split was one of the best lessons we’ve faced. I learned how fragile our relationships can be and how important it is to work at salvaging them. I am stunned by how readily many people jettison other people because the relationship they share becomes difficult or challenging.

This past year – hell, the last several years — have had multiple stressful events that could’ve driven a wedge or created enough stress to split our alliance. But we now have the experience to understand and the tools needed to pull together rather than apart.

Thirty years ago, it felt so much easier to cash out our account rather than to invest in and fight for the long haul. I cannot emphasize enough the dividends we’ve received as a result of the struggles and celebrations that have come our way instead.

Because our anniversary falls so close to the Thanksgiving celebration, it’s a timely reminder each year of the blessings we’ve shared because of our challenges, not in spite of them.

I offer my thanks to Linda for staying with me on this journey and to the many folks throughout the years who’ve stuck with and encouraged us along the way. 

Charles

How Are You Waiting?

I’ve spent more time in waiting areas in the past several months than I’ve cumulatively spent in such spaces during the majority of my life up to this point. Most of my waiting time has been in hospitals and medical environments.

What became shockingly clear to me as I looked around was how few people plan and use their waiting time productively, even when they knew their time sitting would span hours or most of a day or more.

While most of those around me were glued to their cell phones as a chief means of distraction, when a phone wasn’t stuck in front of their noses, they watched the ever present TV with a blank stare, mindlessly ate whatever fast food fare was nearby, and/or just stared into space.

I acknowledge my tendency to over-compensate, but I usually take several hours worth of reading, writing, and work projects with me nearly everywhere I go.

While I’m more than a little perplexed as to why others don’t do the same, I’ve also taken these opportunities as fodder for thinking more deeply about how all of us use the waiting or ‘in-between’ spaces in our lives.

If you think about it, much of our life is spent waiting. We’re waiting for a returned email or phone call to come. Waiting for a project to be approved so we can begin work on it. Waiting for kids to be back in school so that routines can be reset again. Waiting for the end of the school year to put the house on the market and move. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

For the last three years, I’ve had to deal with several family matters that have required more patience and waiting than I’ve ever been called upon to endure. Combined with some severe business and financial droughts and a couple of health surprises, this period has pushed my patience button further than I believed I could go.

I believe I have a higher capacity for uncertainty – which is what a lot of waiting entails – than most. But what do we do with that time?

At a point of deep despair and doubt that movement would ever occur again on several fronts, I kept thinking that if I didn’t have these concerns holding me up, I’d have more mental resources available to focus on a list of goals I’d written out. As the loop continued, I thought, “Yea, if I wasn’t having to keep my mind on these particular issues, I’d throw myself into this project, then that one, then that one!” Then the most unsettling thought occurred – “Then why don’t you just do the first one anyway, because it ain’t getting’ done while you’re waiting.”

Ouch.

I had a list of some conferences I wanted to attend, some story projects I wanted to film, and a couple of social events I wanted to initiate. So I finally got to it.

I got on line and registered for three conferences that I wanted to attend – the StoryLine conference in Nashville, SXSW in Austin, and World Domination Summit in Portland – and started making travel arrangements. As I’ve attended these three events over the past year, I’ve had the opportunity to film segments for story projects I wanted to initiate. Two of those projects – the Legacy Project and Fear and Boulders – have five or more interviews already filmed or in production.

In retrospect, I wonder if I would have really set out and committed to each of these goals had it not been for my determination not to waste my time waiting.

I needed to invest myself in goals and objectives that were attainable and not allow myself to get caught up in the malaise or anxiety that often comes when waiting for events outside our control to move the needle forward.

When school starts and the kids are out of the house, your surgery is over and recovery underway, or when the phone rings and the project you’ve been waiting on is approved to start working, what will you have accomplished or lost during that time of uncertainty and fear while you waited? 

Is it possible to make that decision now, while you’ve got the time? While you’re waiting?

Charles 

Backing Up the Big Idea with Hard Work

She looked “rode hard” — and well on the way to being road-hardened — as she slumped into the seat next to mine, another airport meal in tow.

Because of a flight delay, she’d missed her connection and was waiting stand-by to hopefully board the flight from Atlanta to Raleigh-Durham.

Rachel told me that she is on the road 3-5 days each week in sales for a fast-growing technology company. The money is good enough to keep her tied to it, she said, but the glamour of travel is long gone.

Her life for the foreseeable future looks like a long, hellish journey schlepping through airports, traveling to myriad trade shows and presentations, one after another then back again.

As we chatted, I asked what she wanted to do. She said she and her husband were dreaming and hoping for the “big idea” that would rocket them to riches.

I said that most of the obvious big ideas started out as not-so-obvious small ideas and a helluva lotta hard work.

She said half dreamily that if they could just find that one big idea they could be rich and not have to work like that.

Michael Hyatt speaking at the World Domination Summit. Photo by Armosa Studios. #WDS2014

The irony for me was that we were returning from the World Domination Summit in Portland, OR, where we’d just listened to dozens of stories from speakers and attendees alike who’d been in financial places less fortunate than Rachel’s, but who had taken insane ideas and worked their butts off to build their own success in the process.

Each of them was committed to the hard work of bringing focused action to bear on their ideas in addition to dreaming big.

We hear so many “overnight success” stories that lead many people to believe that the secret is simply finding the right idea, buying the appropriate domain, and sitting back while the online sales rack up.

Too few talk about the grinding work, broken relationships, and multiple failures that seem to accompany the overnight miracles. Or when they do, maybe it’s just that very few listen.

A couple of nuggets I’ve picked up that have resonated with my experience through the years:

• Take consistent, ninja-focused action in your work.

• Spend less high-energy time on social media.

• Put people over profits.

• Failure is an integral part of the process of succeeding.

• Be willing to take imperfect action.

But one of my favorite morsels of advice, and quite appropriate to my airport conversation, came from New York Times best-selling author A.J. Jacobs at this year’s World Domination Summit: “It’s easier to act your way into new thinking than it is to think your way into new action.”

But, of course, that’s easier said than done…  

~ Charles

 

Regret for Time Spent in Regret

Regret occurs in our lives when the consequences of “bad” choices we make slam into the ideal we have of ourselves as good people.

Three recent examples from my life:

• I did not complete a written contract for a project several months ago before undertaking the work. That oversight led to a number of misunderstandings and miscommunications that have bogged down the project, wasted an inordinate amount of time, and potentially exacted a huge toll on the working relationships.

• I loaned money to a buddy to try to help him get out of a financial bind only to learn that he’s used the resources to dig a deeper hole of debt to climb out of rather than use good judgment to get out of the mid-sized hole he was in when he came to me.

• I did not move fast enough when an elderly family member was taken advantage of regarding her health care and finances. Had I moved more quickly and decisively, I believe I could have prevented a legal and personal quagmire that has lasted three years to date.

Although I consider myself fairly reasoned and intelligent, in each situation, I allowed urgency to over-shadow my better judgment. I was caught up in the busyness of too many commitments, and simply tried to make an important decision without the clarity of quiet separation from the critical issue at hand.

Because I see myself as thoughtful and deliberate, each of these oversights was like a kick in my stomach and something I greatly regretted doing. But each instance has also taught me a huge lesson in discernment.

What I am learning is that the bridge needed to cross the chasm that separates regret from wisdom is built with personal forgiveness and grace. In none of the situations did I intend to do something wrong.

By moving away from regret and towards understanding, I spend less unproductive time wallowing in shame and more constructive energy producing work that can have an impact for other people. Wallowing in regret and shame drains my heart of the willingness to risk again, if I let it.

If you do anything of any substance, that has any chance of making a difference in people’s lives, you’re going to face failure. And when you do, regret is going to raise its nasty head. I’ve yet to learn how to decapitate and leave it for dead. But I am learning to not sit down with it and let it devour me. I’m learning to build that bridge and move to greater wisdom.

In my work with clients, I frequently hear mistakes and regrets pop up in our discussions. The fear of making errors shuts them off to possibilities. I try to use those conversations as a sounding board to hear my own angst and address it. Because often we can’t recognize our fears until they’re revealed in the lives around us.

How about you? What are your regrets? How are they holding your story hostage?

Charles

 

Is Good, Enough?

 

                                              “How we spend our days is how we spend our lives.”                                                                                                                  ~ Annie Dillard

Surely, you’ve experienced it.

As you’re working out the details for a pending project — or maybe while you’re in the middle of a vexing complication — your client comes to the conclusion that maybe the problem is the bar Is just set too high.

“Maybe we should just settle for something more realistic.”

“I’m not sure we’re going to have the budget to make this baby a prize-winner. Maybe on the next one.”

“Sometimes good enough really is, don’t you think?”

When I ask, “What do you want to eliminate and still keep the outcome acceptable?”, the response is usually a reflection of the decision maker’s fears or lack of commitment to excellence rather than the actual constraints of the situation. Seldom do the extra resources required to make a project stand out really cost significantly more in terms of budget or effort.

Will settling for ‘Good Enough’ be good enough to build your life on?

The more deeply I become aware of the impact of self-protection issues in the workplace, the more I realize that many people, even those in seemingly high positions in organizations, are often afraid of excellence. They don’t want their work to stand out in a way that raises the bar because their next project may be compared to what they’ve done and new expectations set.

Are there ever times when “good enough” is? Sure!

But I believe making that decision in the planning stage of the project – based on the desired impact – is the right choice, not as a rationalization or an excuse for lack of commitment in the middle of the process.

As the opening quote by Annie Dillard suggests, when you spend your life – day after day after yet another tedious day – settling for good enough, you may one day find out that it wasn’t. 

Charles