Thirty-five years ago, we were married. United in a ceremony in which we committed to the words, “until death us do part.”
Yet five years after that November day in 1979, we were in the process of planning a divorce. We were two years ahead of the seven-year itch, ready to separate our possessions and our lives.
We had grown in different directions and were in the mindset of portioning out what little we owned into boxes that would accompany each of us as we struck out on our individual, no longer united journeys.
There was no surface acrimony. We were eerily calm and reflective about the whole affair. But even the most well thought out logic is deeply infused with emotion.
In a moment of what I credit to be divine insight, I proposed that we take a month off from our plans to separate and, instead, go on a series of dates and act as if we were trying to get to know each other again. To ask questions about each other’s interest and explore them with the same degree of interest that we would if we were dating someone new, which we figured we might be doing relatively soon anyway.
As crazy as it sounds, it worked.
What had caused us to grow apart was a lack of willingness to grow together, to maintain a desire to express a genuine interest in what the other cared about.
Occasionally, I’ll hear the story of a couple that has had 30, 40, or even 50+ years of marital bliss. It has not been all rainbows and glitter for us through the years since. There were several times that we could have easily split apart. What kept us from pulling apart were the lessons we learned from that first near-divorce.
Although it was painful at the time, our imminent split was one of the best lessons we’ve faced. I learned how fragile our relationships can be and how important it is to work at salvaging them. I am stunned by how readily many people jettison other people because the relationship they share becomes difficult or challenging.
This past year – hell, the last several years — have had multiple stressful events that could’ve driven a wedge or created enough stress to split our alliance. But we now have the experience to understand and the tools needed to pull together rather than apart.
Thirty years ago, it felt so much easier to cash out our account rather than to invest in and fight for the long haul. I cannot emphasize enough the dividends we’ve received as a result of the struggles and celebrations that have come our way instead.
Because our anniversary falls so close to the Thanksgiving celebration, it’s a timely reminder each year of the blessings we’ve shared because of our challenges, not in spite of them.
I offer my thanks to Linda for staying with me on this journey and to the many folks throughout the years who’ve stuck with and encouraged us along the way.
Charles