“We strive to always be productive, and if the activity doesn’t teach us a skill, make us money, or get on the boss’s good side, then we feel we should not be doing it. Sometimes the sheer demands of daily living seem to rob us of the ability to play.” ~ Stuart Brown, “Play: How It Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul”
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You may find it easy to play. For much of my life I’ve found it hard to carve out the time. I’ve always placed work before leisure. But after too many years of neglecting time to play, I’ve begun to return to the vitality and joy that play brings into my life.
I am, by natural tendency, an idealist and perfectionist. I strive to have greater impact by making everything I’m working on as close to perfect as it can possibly be. I don’t think of myself as being a life-of-the-party kind of guy because I prefer intentionally deep, thoughtful conversation to small talk and playing games.
I’ve come to this awareness not by my own observations but from countless comments and observations from people around me. Few of them were compliments.
I grew up with a “get-your-work-done-before-you-play” mindset, ingrained into me by my parents. As a result, I’ve been able to carve out reasonable career success by applying a “seldom-let-up” work ethic. It’s something I once took great pride in.
As I was nearing my 40s, I began to let up on my work-drive a bit, and devoted increasingly more attention to service. I was involved in a big-brother type program, we trained for and served as foster parents for a while, and I served on a couple of boards. I was also taking more time for play activities – mountain and tandem bike riding, playing league softball, racquetball at the “Y.” We were active in a dinner club and hosted friends over for meals in our home. And in 1999, we bought our farm, thinking of it as a hobby-farm get-away with possible long-term plans to move there.
Then our finances started to spiral.
After 9/11 and the sale of the stock photo agency that represented our work, we lost about 80 percent of our income. And during the process of selling our home in Raleigh, to make our hasty transition to the in-dire-need-for-renovation farm house, the pipes in our Raleigh house froze, burst, and flooded both floors. Twice.
My fears kicked in. Hard.
As we were finally rebuilding our financial foundation to a place of stability, the economic recession of 2008-10 kicked in and undermined our business growth. As we again were establishing a footing to take business in a new direction, we became embroiled in a family estate law suit and a health scare that, combined, nearly wiped us out.
I snapped back into the “never-let-up” work mindset, and have been grinding hard again for years without relenting. Until this past year or so.
Over the last several years, I’ve been trekking up to NY state – and this year Linda and I drove to Colorado – to participate in a summer camp for adults. It has become one of the most transformative experiences of my life, and has brought growth on levels that I could not have imagined before. The depth of insight and breadth of the conversation with folks in this community have changed and encouraged me in ways that I can’t fully describe.
I was sitting on the porch outside of a talent show going on at camp last year, talking with my friend, Emily Felt, when she asked me, “So what do you do for fun?”
The question stumped me. I don’t do things for fun. I pursue everything I do based on personal growth. I equate fun with frivolity, and growth with significance. I enjoy activities that contribute to my growth because I value significance.
But I’ve allowed myself to sit with the question and the discomfort that it brought. Over time, I’ve broadened the question I’m asking myself to: “Why are you not enjoying your life more?”
The answer? I have a strong deficit of play in my life. I’ve realized that my fear of financial unraveling that stems from events in our lives over the past 20 years, along with the current political and cultural climate that we live in, have kept my traumatized mind focused on surviving rather than thriving.
And play is the antidote to fear.
There is now a solid body of research that shows that fear has a destructive effect on our minds. When we are traumatized by fear, our brains create neural pathways that reinforce our fear. Over time, those pathways become neural superhighways. With the good intent to protect us, our brains actually make us more unproductively fearful.
The time and attention we invest in play helps by creating and reinforcing new neural pathways that move our attention and energy in the direction of creativity, critical thinking, and problem solving.
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“Life without play is a grinding, mechanical existence organized around doing the things necessary for survival. Play is the stick that stirs the drink. It is the basis of all art, games, books, sports, movies, fashion, fun, and wonder – in short, the basis of what we think of as civilization. Play is the vital essence of life. It is what makes life lively.” ~ Stuart Brown, “Play: How It Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul”
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I’ve allowed the circumstances of the past 20 years to have a grinding effect on my heart and soul. My response to each event was to work harder and longer so that I could once again gain some control before the next wave hit.
What I’ve realized is that the ONLY thing within my control is my mindset. And my mindset is a result of what I focus on every day. When I make time for play in my life, I nurture my soul. But I also create the pathway for a more productive and enjoyable state of mind. And I believe that will lead me to having the quality of impact for others that I doubt I’ll ever reach by simply working harder.
I’ll not likely ever be known as the life of the party. But I do want to have increasingly more “party” in my life.
What about you? How are you incorporating healthy time for play and creation in your life? How can I be an encouragement to you in your play?
~ Charles