Charles Gupton

Relationships

Time for What?

I enjoy being around people who are relaxed and fun to be with. Don’t you?

But similar to the axiom that to have friends you need to be a friend, to be welcome among fun people one needs to be a fun person.

That’s the rub for me. Sometimes I’m a fun person who’s relaxed and genuinely interested in the lives of my friends. But too much of the time I’m not. The difference in my attitude, I’ve noticed, is based on my attention on and awareness of one thing.

The clock.

When my attention is on how much I have to get done or where I have to be with a deadline as my focus then I have little room left for attention anywhere else. That means my ability to center my thoughts on another’s needs or to relax in the moment all but evaporates.

The struggle comes in realizing that one can learn to be efficient with things but not with people. Not if one wants to have effective relationships with them. No one I know wants to know they’re being time-managed. Do you? Very few people have the skills to manage people within the constraints of the clock and not leave them feeling managed. When we’re with our friends or other significant relationships, don’t we want to know that they’re truly “with” us to?

Are you fun to be with? How are you managing your time and relationships with the people you care for?

Charles

Are You Committed?

A buddy and I were having breakfast this week and the discussion turned to commitments in relationships. Specifically, we were making comparisons between how people make and stand by commitments in their personal and business lives. One question that is still lingering in my mind is, can someone make a deep commitment to another person – or a company – if they don’t believe there is a commitment to them in return.

I believe that people who show commitment in their personal lives also display that commitment in all of their business relationships as well.

I’ve worked with a number of clients with whom I’ve felt the freedom to make mistakes – in other words, take risks. I feel a commitment from the client to the process and, at times, to me personally. I do my best work for those people because I believe they trust my integrity and my desire to do my best work on their behalf.

I’ve also done my share of work for companies that had a very low tolerance for mistakes, meaning that creativity or taking the risk of not getting a “safe” solution is not acceptable. In each of those cases, I’ve felt the work I’ve done for them was entirely transactional. There was no commitment to the process of getting remarkable work or to me as a person or artist.

The connection I often see is that the people who won’t make a deeper commitment to their business relationships often have very shallow personal commitments as well. I can get a fairly quick read on whether I’m going to be able to get a deeper connection with someone by assessing whether they have any deep connections at all, and if so, where those connections are in their life.

What does that mean for me and possibly for you?

One, if I do my best creative work for clients that I have a better connection with, why would I spend my energy trying to engage anyone who is only interested in the transaction of the moment?

Second, if I desire a deeper connection with new relationships, I need to focus energy on deepening my commitment to the relationships that already have significance in my life. If I’m not serving the needs of the people I say that I care about, how can I serve the needs of new friends and prospective clients?

What do you think? How do you see it?

Charles

Gift of Giving

Rather than fighting the throngs of folks buying cards and crowding restaurants for Valentine’s Day, Linda and I prefer to fix a great meal and do something special at home. Our most enjoyable treat is to do massage.

For me, the greater pleasure comes from the giving rather than getting. Don’t get me wrong, I like my neck and shoulders to get a good work-over, but I feel happier after I’ve been the giver.

This seems to support the findings in a recent Discover magazine article (you have to pay 99¢ to buy it) that indicates by using fMRI (f stands for functional), scientists are finding that the act of giving lights up more areas of the brain and creates more indications of pleasure than any other activity tested.

When we think of the statement, “It’s better to give than to receive,” we don’t often take it to heart, or in this case, to mind. But it appears that the selfish thing for us to do – for the sake of happiness – is to do more giving and have less concern for getting. The struggle for me is applying this during the workday and business transactions.

When I’m slammed on work commitments and a personal call comes in from a friend needing some time to talk, I want to give of my time. But the struggle comes in knowing that I’m still going to be at my desk when my friend is watching TV or already in bed.

Or when I’m estimating an assignment for a client, I love to be generous with my time and value. But if a buyer doesn’t appreciate the generosity, I find myself grumbling about the lost resources needed to maintain my energy and grow my business. It’s not the client’s fault if I give away my time without adequate remuneration or fail to light up my brain with the joy of giving.

A simple act of giving can be quite complex. It can stem from relatively pure intentions. Or it can be motivated by a poor self-image that uses giving as a means of compensating or as an attempt at “guilting” the receiver into giving us something we want in-kind. Neither of those are gifts. They’re transactions and they don’t light up our brains – or our hearts – in the same manner.

So in what ways do you give? How do you light up your brain’s switchboard?

Charles

Giving Credit Where it’s Due

Americana Couple
Americana Couple

Credit is a funny thing. When someone reaches a high point of success, it seems anyone who may have been in the vicinity of the success wants a piece of it, and a large part of the credit. But often, the person who gets credit for the success at hand is rather parsimonious in sharing the glory with those who helped.

As I’ve looked back over the last couple of years, I need to acknowledge that every success, way-point or goal along the way to a success was made possible by someone else’s help. One recent example is a photo I’ve been wanting to create for over a year.

There is a country store I pass on a regular basis with an American flag painted on the side. Every time I passed it, I knew I wanted to make an image incorporating the flag but nothing seemed to gel in my mind. As I was passing it one night, enough of the elements came together to water the seed in my mind. As a customer was walking from his car to the store, another driver was backing out of a parking space, the headlights of his car illuminating the flag and silhouetting the customer walking by.

Young couple in front of country store.
Young couple in front of country store.

Having an idea is one thing; making an image out of it is yet another. I wrote out my thoughts and called my “go-to” buddy, Avery Clifton. Avery has been working with me on a number of projects this year and has a very good eye for details. I was in over-my-head conditions on a number of projects, but didn’t want to miss the opportunity to capture the image now stuck in my head. There was a particular Americana feel I wanted to capture, so finding the right models, wardrobe and classic truck were essential.

Although Avery had never taken on all of the production responsibilities for a shoot, he jumped into making phone calls and scouting. Within days, he had all the details in place and, with the exception of one rain delay, the shoot went off without a hitch. I absolutely know I could not have pulled off this production without his help.

And this is but one of several occasions where others have opened the door and held it, allowing me to glide through. As I look ahead, I am amazed and humbled at the opportunities to take on several future projects that are already being lined up. Two of the “rainmakers” who have recently been such an encouragement on many fronts are Bill Davis of Team Nimbus in Raleigh and Craig Mathews, the Chief Thinkologist at Big Think, Inc.

The store by day
The store by day

Probably the biggest change in my thinking over the past few years has been from a mind set of “with persistence and determination I can eventually get anything done,” to one of “with the right partners more of the right things can get accomplished and everyone wins!” It’s a seismic shift that’s still shaking my world.

So, what collaborations are out there waiting for you follow up on? Who do you owe credit to for helping accomplish your goals? How can you help others accomplish theirs?

Charles

The Power of an Apology

I had an interesting experience recently while swimming.

As I was preparing to get into the pool, another swimmer was getting into the same lane at the opposite end. As is the normal etiquette, I waved to her indicating which side of the lane I’d take, and she waved back. As I started to slide in, I realized I’d forgotten to shower so I went back into the locker room, took a quick shower and hopped into the pool

The other swimmer was about mid-way up the lane, semi-stroking, floating along on her back as I pushed off. As I passed her, she let out a screech and started screaming at me. “What are you doing? You scared the hell out of me! Why are you in my lane?!?”

I wish I’d had a picture of my face. I came out of the water like a jack-in-the box, jaws wide open, eyes bigger than my goggles. What shot through my head and hit the tip of my tongue was “You stupid &!*#! What do you think I’m doing? I waved, you waved back. I’m swimming my laps! What’s with you? What are you doing in a swim lane if you don’t understand proper etiquette?”

What actually came out of my mouth was “I’m sorry. When I waved and you waved back I thought you knew I was sharing the lane with you. I didn’t intend to scare you. It was my fault. Do you mind if I share the lane with you?”

I don’t remember the response other than anger and dismissiveness as she bee-lined for the lifeguard to report me. I found out later that she was a first time swimmer and thought I was just waving earlier to be nice. When I ducked back in for my shower, she had thought I’d left and she started swimming.

When she finished her tête-à-tête with the lifeguard, she got back into the pool in another, now-open lane and we both went about our work-out. When I finished, I went over to her again and repeated my apology, almost verbatim. I genuinely was sorry that I’d startled her. She scolded me slightly and accepted my apology. I said, “Thank you. Take care.”

To be honest, I was slightly irritated that I was taking the rap for doing what was a normal custom. But, what the hell? In my mind, I startled her and I didn’t want her to feel she was under any kind of threat. Was there any cost to me to be kind rather than acting defensive?

The next time I swam, she was a couple of lanes over and waved at me as I popped up between laps. Later, in the whirlpool, she laughed at a story I told a buddy and we chatted like we were old friends. Again, to be honest, I found myself wanting to defend my actions and let her know that I’d been right in following decorum. After all, who was she to question me? Hell, I’ve been swimming for years. I know the rules!!! Like, who are you, lap-queen?

At the same time I was thinking, “You know, this is childish. Who gives a crap? Let it go and just be friendly.”

One of the greatest realizations I’ve come to through the years is that most of the baggage people carry through life is of their own choosing. And most of that weight is caused by lack of forgiveness over relatively small matters. Most problems come down to simple misunderstandings between people, over who’s following the proper “rules.” But through listening and not being defensive, even the most complicated problems really aren’t as complicated as they’re made out to be, once people just take the time to understand one another.

Anyway, I think I have a new pool buddy. Her name is Sandra.

Charles Gupton

http://www.charlesguptonphoto.com

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