Charles Gupton

Relationships

Judging Others by a Better Standard

I have a business colleague who judges everyone else according to his own strengths. When people don’t measure up to his standard of strengths, they are dismissed as inadequate and unworthy of his business respect. Since his particular strengths are in the area of technology, I often fall short, in his view,  of being the full measure of the man I should be.

After feeling the sting of this judgment a few times, I found myself getting fairly irritated in his company on every occasion. I found myself going into each encounter with a ready quip or two prepared to put him on the defensive by pointing out some of the shortcomings he might be overlooking. However, in a moment of clarity I realized, I am him; I have been that kind of person too. And is my heart of hearts, I still am.

I my heart, I have harshly judged people for how they choose to eat, spend their money, and spend their time. On many of those occasions, I have made comments that reflected my judgments in a way that stressed the relationship. Enough of those stress fractures and the relationship will be damaged beyond repair.

I’m not saying that we should not exercise our judgment – there’s far too little good judgment being used. What I am suggesting is that we decide how our particular insights can be of value rather than be demeaning.

I don’t believe that because I’ve not utilized technology to push my LinkedIn connections to 500+ makes me an unthoughtful person. Or that my phone, laptop and desktop are not perfectly synced with identical folders and using automatic smart-mailbox routing so that I have every contact’s complete information at my fingertips at all times is the strongest indication that I don’t care about other people.

I desperately need to make improvements in all areas of life involving technology. I have a lot of improvements to make in other areas as well. What I need is guidance. And encouragement. And support.

But derision causes defensiveness to rise up. Emotional barriers get built. Connection is lost, perhaps permanently.

Again, discernment is a very good and important quality to possess. What is even more important though is the end to which it’s used.

When we discover a weakness in a colleague or friend, do we merely point it out or possibly exploit it? Or do we use the knowledge as a means of building a bridge or a connection? As a means of building that person up?

By being more supportive of others growth, is it possible that we might become more open to others supporting our growth as well?

Charles

Defining the Depth of “Friend”

There are many ideas and concepts that need more descriptive English words than we often have at the tip of our tongues to describe them properly. “Friend” is one of them.

Avery and me after putting insulation under the house.

As I was finishing up with the small talk during a business event recently, I was asked, “Got big plans for the weekend?” I hesitated then said, “With the help of a friend, I’m putting insulation in the crawl space under our house along with support jacks to stabilize the floors. I guess you could call those big plans.”  The response came back in a flash, “Good luck with that. Any friends I know would bail as soon as they saw the work was hard.”

True dat. I’ve had a number of house and farm projects through the years see the quick exit of a buddy or even a paid worker who realized the work involved was, well, work.

People make casual offers more frequently then they should, agreeing to help folks in their circle of acquaintances with projects that are frustrating their ‘friends’ with details beyond their capabilities. What are often sold as little projects by a person in need become massive in the eyes of the ‘savior,’ and the ‘savior’ then bails out, leaving the ‘needy’ person frustrated and possibly with hurt feelings or even a broken friendship.

Having been on both sides of the needy/savior divide on numerous occasions, I understand the power and importance of follow-through on really helping someone and maintaining the integrity of the relationship. I am also no less than amazed when someone sticks with a project to see it through.

The past year, I’ve taken on a couple of major projects only because I had the help and commitment of my friend Avery to see them through. Early on, I kept expecting him to not show up for the next round of work, but every time he did. Even though the work is always difficult, dirty and exhausting.

Even though I am loyal, hardworking, and willing to finish anything I start,  Avery consistently keeps the bar high for what I expect those standards to be now. He goes beyond what anyone I know is willing to do to finish a job well.

Avery on a jackhammer, digging a fence post hole.

Most people I encounter enjoy being with people who don’t challenge their growth,  level of commitment, or expectations of quality of service. This goes for their business and personal lives as well.

I can’t say it’s comfortable but it is desirable for me to keep raising the bar of excellence. Associating with people who display their commitment to excellence in service through action rather than empty talk raises my game as well as my stake in the game. They check my complacency and make me a better person.

And isn’t that a real definition of a friend?

Charles

Confusing Work With ‘The Work’

When Linda and I took a sabbatical from our communications work several years ago and ventured into organic farming, I spent an inordinate amount of time doing the work of laying irrigation, preparing the soil, fencing pastures, and other necessary tasks to allow us to produce the various crops and products we ate and sold.

But over time, we found that the most important work that we did was not the growing of food, but the growing of the relationships with our customers. The points of contact where we were engaged with the people most affected by our efforts – whether it was delivering produce or attending a farmers’ market meeting – did more to deepen the relationships and fuel our hearts than anything else we did.

We came to understand that it’s not just about work, but “The Work.”

As I was sitting in a recent peer advisory meeting where we were discussing the metrics that were most critical for each of our businesses to succeed, I had a profound revelation. I had been setting the number of client and potential-client meetings that I was having as the most important metric to count. After all, no business can have sales without customers.

The revelation was that I was not establishing any metrics for nourishing my creative heart. I was counting meetings as having the most value in my life, but not anything connected to producing my art. It was truly an ‘A-ha!’ moment.

As soon as I started writing down the  “The Work” my heart wanted to achieve, the other work I needed to get accomplished seemed to be so much more approachable and less burdensome to consider. Just as I’m far more inclined to enjoy any work I do when I’m physically rested and fed, my heart is far more engaged when it’s rested and fed.

From the moment my heart got attention, everything else I did was energized. I’ve been told a number of times in the last several weeks that I walk into a room with a renewed energy, and every meeting I’ve been involved with has more new possibilities than before. I don’t believe the situations have changed, but my view of them has.

My current metrics now include accountable projects for both my heart and head, and my heart is enjoying the process of being included in the census.

What about you? Are your feeding “The Work” that feeds your heart or is the work consuming your life?

Charles

A Need for Healing

A close friend had already told me about the planning for the event, but when the invitation arrived, I was still apprehensive.

A church we had been deeply involved with for many years was having a homecoming service and lunch to bring former members together for a time of remembrance and healing. This is a body of people whom we deeply loved. But the officers, who were all wise and intelligent individually, could not, at the time we left, provide the corporate leadership needed to bring the congregation out of a closet.

However, when we left the church, I handled it poorly. When my term as an active officer ended, we left without telling anyone about our intentions to not return. We weren’t mad. We just wanted to grow, and in my mind, that meant leaving and moving on. For some of our friends we left behind, it meant desertion.

Over time, we followed up with most of the people and mended feelings the best we could. Though we were not in close proximity, our relationships with a few of our friends continued to grow deeper and, as expected, with others drifted apart. Relationships require work to maintain, and, to some degree proximity.

On the day of the event, we entered the church with the same apprehension with which we had opened the invitation  – who would be delighted to see us and who would not? Old friends who understood why we left the church greeted us with shouts of joy. A small handful of folks who were angry when we left were still angry 15 years later. The unsurprising thing was that they weren’t necessarily angry with us – they’ve simply continued to live lives of unresolved anger and unforgiveness.

The eerie thing was that the experience of being in the church felt virtually the same as when we left. Except for adding years to the bodies of all of us, there had been very little growth. The same people were in leadership and hardly anyone new had come to the church and stayed there. We felt we had walked into a time capsule where people had a choice to change, but had made the decision not to. The issues they were “wrestling” with 15 years ago were the same ones today. And to my understanding, no one in the church, including the leadership, had ever made an intentional attempt to seek healing by offering an apology for past hurts that had been committed. And to that fact alone, I would attribute the stagnation of the spiritual growth of not just this church but a number of others I’m aware of.

It was a very frightening reminder to me of the importance of dealing with past hurts in a timely manner and not allowing them to stagnate to the point that pride prevents one from ever dealing with it again.

I’ve come to realize that there are people who are particularly suited to getting big things started – whether in churches or companies – but are not particularly strong at maintenance. That was our stage of life at the time. But understanding that does not heal hurt feelings. Healing usually requires a very intentional and thoughtful process of apology and patience.

My style of communication can be rather direct, so even though I’ve had my feelings hurt a number of times, I’m sure my ratio of having hurt others to being hurt is much higher. Consequently, I’ve begun to understand the importance of apology to restoring a relationship. Without acknowledging one’s actions in breaking a relationship, a person can’t expect the relationship to ever heal. When people are hurt, they don’t just get over it without consciously making the decision to do so. And most people won’t move on without an apology.

Understanding this, I have learned – and am still learning – how to make a more effective apology. If you’re interested in learning the basic elements of an apology I recommend reading John Kador’s blog, “Apology Matters” where you can also find his book “Effective Apology”. I also suggest Gary Chapman’s “The Five Languages of Apology”. These resources provide an incredible foundation to restore fractured relationships in one’s life.

What’s your experience with anger? Do you see a hurt that needs healing? What can you do now to resolve it?

Charles

Are You Looking for Advice or Agreement?

You’ve probably heard the old saw – the second happiest day of a boat owner’s life is the day he buys it. The happiest day is when he sells it.

A number of years ago, my brother wanted to buy a boat. He asked everyone around him – including our dad – for advice on whether he should or should not go into debt to make this purchase. Everyone he asked, with the exception of the salesman he bought his boat from, counseled him to stay away from a boat, especially if it required taking on debt. Ostensibly, he was looking for objective counsel about a decision he was trying to make. But since the deal was already decided in his head, he was actually just looking for someone to agree with his rationale and help justify the purchase.

I made a similar mistake many years ago when I decided to spend about $50,000 of borrowed money on a direct mail postcard campaign in an attempt to get more national assignment work. I ran the numbers and justified the expense. I then asked a few select people – including Linda – for their thoughts on my reasoning. When all of them counseled against that load of debt for advertising, I further reasoned that they were motivated by fear and just trying to hold me back.

Although the increased exposure did eventually bring in enough work to cover most of the expense, it was not nearly worth the pain of covering the debt and the interest charges that mounted for several years. It was a foolish decision that cost us dearly. Nobody – especially Linda – was trying to hold me back. Everyone wanted what was best for us. But I was too arrogant to really listen. I wanted agreement.

I heard many years ago that an education is an expensive process, regardless of how the tuition is paid. And the cost can come in the form of one’s time and money.

Life is not long enough for any of us to gain all the wisdom we need by ourselves. We need to learn and have some of our education paid for by other people’s experiences. If someone else has already paid for and learned a particular lesson, wouldn’t it behoove us to listen and learn from them?

Of course, one always runs the risk of having counsel given out of someone else’s fear. If we choose to listen to people who live their lives with a scarcity or fear-based mentality, we will never try anything risky or daring. The trick is to select a set of advisers who have wisdom born out of failure but who’ve also picked themselves up and tried again until their passions succeeded.

I’m not sure if the day my brother sold his boat was his happiest. But I can’t express the sense of relief I had the day we paid off the debt of my advertising campaign. I may have gotten work from it, but it wasn’t worth the anguish. I learned a big lesson. When I ask for advice now, I listen. And when someone agrees with me too quickly on a big decision, I’m more inclined to question that person’s reasoning. Heck, I’m the one paying the tuition bill.

Charles