Charles Gupton

Relationships

Are you a Neighbor or a Resident?

About two years ago, our neighbor Leroy died.  A few months later his wife Carrie, facing progressive dementia, moved in with one of her daughters leaving a quiet shell of a house with no one around to share a greeting and passing thoughts about the weather.

Joe's dog tied to a tree

Several months ago, Joe, divorced and middle-aged, bought the house and immediately staked six dogs out in the yard. Although they have a 50-gallon barrel for shelter, they are never allowed off their chains and are never handled with any affection or attention. Their role is, ostensibly, to guard the property by barking at anything that moves. And bark they do. Throughout the day and night. Loud and piercing. Joe bought this place because he was forced out of his former rental because of the dogs.

I’d like to be able to say that I take the noise in stride through meditation and a calm spirit of understanding, but I don’t. Especially at 2:17 a.m. when the cacophony has awoken me and I can’t seem to get back to a deep sleep for hours.

But rather than getting angry about something I can’t control, I’m trying to understand what makes people lose awareness of their actions and the impact they have on others. Living in close proximity to others does not necessarily cause one to think in terms of being a neighbor. A residence is a place to sleep and store the stuff of one’s life. Being a resident in a place implies no responsibility to anyone else’s needs. Being a neighbor implies there is some.

Without care, it’s easy to take a ‘resident’ mindset into every aspect of our lives, whether it’s the cubicle we work in or the traffic we’re driving in. Cutting people off or polluting their environment with our ‘noise’ gives a measure of control with an “I’m out for me!” attitude. But at what cost?

Charles

Do You Care What I Know?

I live in a dilemma of sorts.

I’m an intelligent person. I like big ideas. And learning. And understanding. And I like to be around other people who like those same things.

The dilemma, of sorts, is that a lot of people who genuinely like knowledge- so much so that they are always trying to learn and grow- are often not nice people. Many are quite unpleasant to be around. Knowledge, for them,  is often more important than people.

I think I used to be (more?) unpleasant to be around as well because I thought it was important to impress people with what I knew and what I was learning. If I was with smart people I wanted to impress them that I was smart too. If I was talking with someone who was not that smart – from my point-of-view – I seemed to think that they’d appreciate me helping them become smart. When I think about it, neither approach was all that smart.

What I’ve  come to learn is that most everyone wants other people to think they’re smart or at least interesting. And, most people are when we really stop and listen. And ask better questions.

Asking better questions is really a smarter thing to do than giving better information because most people don’t really give a rat’s butt about what we know. Their interest is in having us know what they know. The bonus is that as knowledge seekers, good questions allow us to learn more stuff.

So. What do you think?

Charles

Do You Matter?

Do you matter?

It’s a question I’ve been pondering of late as I think about the value we bring to those around us. What makes any one of us matter to other people? The value we have is basically measured in what we do for other people. We are all either adding to or subtracting value from our environment. Either can be positive or negative.

Take social media as an example. Most of what’s added is noise. Most of the posts on Facebook and Twitter could be eliminated and no one would miss them. No one. Subtraction would be a good thing in that case. But adding value by pointing people to thoughtful content instead of thoughtless blather could make a significant difference in our “friends” lives.

In a business environment, most of what matters happens in the context of transaction. If I give you enough of what you want in exchange for what I want (without the elements of mistrust or uncertainty), then we may matter enough to each other to continue to trade so that our wants are consistently met. To matter to each other on a deeper level of relationship, we must meet deeper emotional needs. We must give more than the transaction demands – an investment that goes beyond what our “contract” requires.

Marriage is a good example of a relationship that many people treat as a transaction – “If I do this for you or give you that, what do I get in return?”.

Because most people are not willing to invest any more than the minimum required of them to meet their obligations, they don’t really matter to most of the people around them. They’re not irreplaceable. They have commodity relationships. There is an emptiness in their lives and they know it. They’re just not willing to make the investment of heart to make enough of a difference in order to matter.

Charles

How safe is no risk?

It is somewhat amazing to observe just how safe most people attempt to keep their lives. And how safety appears to be more important than anything else to them. Even though there is a great need in humans to grow, the “need” or desire to maintain safety seems to be greater.

Our economy and our times require that people grow and adapt. Everything is moving at an incredible pace and people are afraid. I understand that.

I also realize that we can’t afford to remain static.

As I meet people one-on-one and in larger groups, I often feel more energy is focused on pushing back against change rather than accepting the need to incorporate change into our comfort zones.

Trying new approaches as a means of challenging our existing patterns feels very risky as we’re doing it. We often get very little support or encouragement in the early stages of a new venture. But the greatest risk we face is not the risk itself. It’s avoiding the risk.

Charles Gupton

Controlling Your Controllables.

The social time we had together as friends around the table could have been enjoyable, energizing, and encouraging. Within moments, however, anxiety and enervation had their grip on the discussion. The conversation had shifted from sharing good news and victories to national politics and the economy.

I believe the mood took a U-turn for a couple of reasons. One, the conversation had swung from positive thinking to negative. But the greater reason for the shift, I believe, is that the discussion veered from things we have a great deal of control over to areas in which we have no control. And people already feel too out of control in their lives.

One of the most powerful concepts I’ve retained from reading Stephen Covey’s “First Things First”, is the need to concentrate our resources within our spheres of influence. When people concentrate their thoughts and energy outside of the areas in which they have some degree of influence, their impact is negated. Yet we often expend our energy on areas which return no value for us or others.

Talking and worrying about the economy has no impact on it’s improvement. Conscientiously buying from local merchants with whom you establish a relationship can have a huge impact on their business and yours.

Debate about President Obama’s term in office will have no positive change on his effectiveness, no matter which side of the discussion is “right”. However, becoming informed about local issues and supporting local candidates that are working to change the political status quo can create are far deeper impact for one’s time invested.

But it’s not just the issues “out there” that I see capturing people’s attention. I’m frequently around intelligent, well educated business people who are still complaining about their particular industry sector and business. When I ask what they’re doing to create a change, they’re often doing what they’ve always done – waiting for conditions to change. And they’re spending most of their resources – energy and money – on areas outside of their circles of greatest influence.

There is no revision of their business plan. No strategy. No commitment to marketing. No networking with the people they already know who are willing to do business with them. Nada. Except for complaining about how things “out there” need to be better. Ain’t likely to happen.

Most folks don’t really want to work for a change to occur. They like the comfort of status quo. That’s why they burn their resources outside of the circles of influence that are closest to them rather than heat up the opportunities within their reach.

How about you? Are you concentrating your effort on the relationships that could have the greatest impact on changing your world for the better?

Charles