Charles Gupton

Relationships

Is Anger the Best Road to Understanding?

As I’ve watched the fevered debate over extending marriage benefits to gay couples, gun control, as well as a number of other issues, I can’t help but wonder what many people hope to accomplish by their fervor.

I’ve often found that when people are quick to stake a claim on a particular cause or position, they are equally slow in their willingness to shift or change their position.

The nature of humans is such that once we publicly commit to an ideology, we are very unlikely to shift our positions or views to consider new evidence or opinions. And once entrenched in a point of view, most folks get angry towards everyone who does not share their position on the matter.

The challenge is that there is seldom one absolute, perfect solution. There are nuances to all controversial matters, whether they are subjects as diverse as gay rights, fracking, gun control, universal health care, organic vs. conventional food systems, etc.

By keeping an open mind for discussion and debate, we have a better chance of understanding the nuances that lead to better possibilities rather than limiting the options to a “victory” for one side and a desire for vindication from the other.

Have you ever been persuaded by someone who was angry and dogmatic? By friends attempting to stuff their points of view down your throat? Did it change your mind or your emotions?

If you, a reasonable person, were not moved to greater understanding of an opposing view by an angry outside argument, what makes you think anyone else would be either?

When I see people changing their profile pictures on social media to represent their side of an issue or otherwise taking a stand for a particular cause, it prompts me to question their motive. Are they really trying to affect a change they believe in — or are they simply trying to say to the people in their peer group that “I’m one of you, too!”

Since most people connect on social media with people who share their homogeneous beliefs, it really doesn’t impact change. It simply shouts “Me too!”

Courage is displayed and change achieved less by shouting one’s dogma (It’s usually ‘their’ dogma and ‘our’ truth…) and more by gently asking questions which lead to our own growth and understanding.

What we need are leaders who have the ability and courage to take a stand based on core values — but a willingness to modify those beliefs as new understanding emerges. I realize that it’s human nature to demonize “them” as a means of solidifying “us.” But we don’t show boldness when we run from the things we fear. Courage comes from questioning why we’re angry and facing the fear that caused the rage to surface.

Charles

 

Cultivating for Growth

“Everybody thinks of changing humanity and nobody thinks of changing himself.” ~ Leo Tolstoy

In my last post, I pointed to some thoughtful comments from a Facebook friend about cultivating a life done well. Along the way I have observed that the cultivation process can be a lonely pursuit, as well.

A lot of people talk about growing and changing, but not many are willing to suffer the discomfort of doing so. Most people are more comfortable if those around them stay just like them rather than joining in on the journey of growth. The process of growing often requires developing new friendships to replace the ones left behind as one grows.

Just as it does for plants, cultivating the “soil” of our minds allows for new ideas to grow in a better environment.

The pain of challenging one’s paradigm gets more intense as one ages. The older you become, the deeper your roots are within your support community. The more entrenched your roots, the more painful is the process of uprooting your beliefs — both for you and those around you. It’s easier and less disturbing for all if we stay “planted” in our mindset.

The more deeply I care for someone, the harder I press them to examine their own paradigm and grow. My reasons may be as much selfish as they are altruistic. If I love them, I don’t want to lose them. But I’m more afraid of growing old and stagnant than I am of not being able to develop new relationships that allow for the evolution of ideas and the actions those ideas require.

I want the story of my life to be active and constantly amended. The process of cultivation — of the soil and one’s mind — is digging up and loosening what’s there so that new growth and a rich harvest can occur.

What’s your take?

Charles

Sifting for Gold

I don’t come to social media looking for emotional uplift. If I’m not already “up,” I generally don’t get on the Internet at all. Most of what I scan seems to run the gamut from saccharin to cynical.

I’ve started unsubscribing from those who mainly spout their angry political screeds, but I’ve found that a lot of the positive messaging gets annoying as well because so much of it is canned rather than personal reflection.

My approach to social media is akin to panning for gold — I know I’m gonna sift a lot of silt to find my flakes of gold. But when I find it, it sparkles.

My Facebook friend Ariel had a post recently that sparkled with thoughtful reflection. The start of her list for “doing life well” is “challenging and reforming one’s beliefs,” the pursuit of which can be very rewarding, I believe. The challenge is to do a little bit of it every day.

We live our lives not just as individuals but also as a reflection of those with whom we associate and the times we live in. And we are not living in times of great self-reflection. Although there are countless ways to seek self-help from “experts,” even that phenomenon is indicative of the lack of discipline to look inward. More often than not, the values I hear most people espouse are those they’ve gathered from the media and their friends. It’s group-think at best.

The gold flakes of self-cultivation and thought that I encounter are truly an encouragement. They cause me to stop in the moment and reflect, “Are the  tasks that I’m engaged in at this time a reflection of the values I espouse or am I working at achieving someone else’s?”

Charles

Being Responsible, Responsibly

Taking responsibility for a mistake means more than saying “I did it, but it wasn’t my fault,” when finally backed into a corner.  Accepting responsibility requires not shifting blame to another party but taking the necessary steps to make amends.

You witness examples of people not taking responsibility on a regular basis, don’t you?

Your doctor performs an unnecessary exam that you’re charged for without telling you until you get the bill. He tries to deflect responsibility but still expects you to pay the bill.

A co-worker commits to getting some key information for a project you’re responsible for, but doesn’t come through. She says “I got caught up with another project.” But you’re still left in the bind.

A friend lets some gossip slip out that hurts another relationship dear to you, but refuses to correct the mistake, leaving you in an awkward position.

In every case of shifted responsibility, an action was taken – or not – that leaves you in a difficult situation. The offending party, seemingly, walks away unscathed.
We have all experienced the wasted time and frustration dealing with the unwillingness of some people to ever step up and own their responsibility for screwing up.

But when clarity of thought resumes, the question to ask is: “In what situations am I overlooking my responsibility to take responsibility?”

Charles

Examine Your Personal Story at Work

We all carry our personal baggage to work.

Everything we do and every decision we make is based on an emotional load we’re carrying around. You may not see your baggage — or realize the weight others are carrying — but it’s there.

Over the last few years, I’ve come to a huge understanding. When it occurred to me, I thought of it as a “duh, of course!” moment. But I soon realized it held much larger implications for me and the people I work with.

If you have trouble managing money at home? Expect it to show up in your business. Have difficulty trusting men in your personal affairs? It’s going to surface in the office. Struggle with setting boundaries with family members? See if those same issues are popping up in meetings at work.

That insight has caused me to look at the conversations I have with others and even their social media posts as important indicators of what to be aware of in business settings where that person is involved.

During a discussion last year with the founder of an investment firm about photographs for their marketing materials, he insisted on a transfer of copyright. With a little poking around, I discovered he held a number of beliefs about not trusting other people and the need to maintain absolute control over others. Not a person I wanted to make a business investment with.

I’ve also realized that people who quickly bring up their lack of budget and/or spend a lot of effort to beat suppliers down on price usually have low self esteem and are usually under-earners who don’t feel valued themselves.

I believe it’s impossible to consistently make and live with business decisions that are outside of one’s personal values and beliefs. When people are abundant in their personal outlooks, it will surface in in all their decisions. If, on the other hand, fear and scarcity rule their thoughts, no professional veneer will shift their business behavior.

And what’s true for others is true for you as well.

Charles