I enjoy being around people who are relaxed and fun to be with. Don’t you?
But similar to the axiom that to have friends you need to be a friend, to be welcome among fun people one needs to be a fun person.
That’s the rub for me. Sometimes I’m a fun person who’s relaxed and genuinely interested in the lives of my friends. But too much of the time I’m not. The difference in my attitude, I’ve noticed, is based on my attention on and awareness of one thing.
The clock.
When my attention is on how much I have to get done or where I have to be with a deadline as my focus then I have little room left for attention anywhere else. That means my ability to center my thoughts on another’s needs or to relax in the moment all but evaporates.
The struggle comes in realizing that one can learn to be efficient with things but not with people. Not if one wants to have effective relationships with them. No one I know wants to know they’re being time-managed. Do you? Very few people have the skills to manage people within the constraints of the clock and not leave them feeling managed. When we’re with our friends or other significant relationships, don’t we want to know that they’re truly “with” us to?
Are you fun to be with? How are you managing your time and relationships with the people you care for?
Charles
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Listening,
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A buddy and I were having breakfast this week and the discussion turned to commitments in relationships. Specifically, we were making comparisons between how people make and stand by commitments in their personal and business lives. One question that is still lingering in my mind is, can someone make a deep commitment to another person – or a company – if they don’t believe there is a commitment to them in return.
I believe that people who show commitment in their personal lives also display that commitment in all of their business relationships as well.
I’ve worked with a number of clients with whom I’ve felt the freedom to make mistakes – in other words, take risks. I feel a commitment from the client to the process and, at times, to me personally. I do my best work for those people because I believe they trust my integrity and my desire to do my best work on their behalf.
I’ve also done my share of work for companies that had a very low tolerance for mistakes, meaning that creativity or taking the risk of not getting a “safe” solution is not acceptable. In each of those cases, I’ve felt the work I’ve done for them was entirely transactional. There was no commitment to the process of getting remarkable work or to me as a person or artist.
The connection I often see is that the people who won’t make a deeper commitment to their business relationships often have very shallow personal commitments as well. I can get a fairly quick read on whether I’m going to be able to get a deeper connection with someone by assessing whether they have any deep connections at all, and if so, where those connections are in their life.
What does that mean for me and possibly for you?
One, if I do my best creative work for clients that I have a better connection with, why would I spend my energy trying to engage anyone who is only interested in the transaction of the moment?
Second, if I desire a deeper connection with new relationships, I need to focus energy on deepening my commitment to the relationships that already have significance in my life. If I’m not serving the needs of the people I say that I care about, how can I serve the needs of new friends and prospective clients?
What do you think? How do you see it?
Charles
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Creativity,
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Rather than fighting the throngs of folks buying cards and crowding restaurants for Valentine’s Day, Linda and I prefer to fix a great meal and do something special at home. Our most enjoyable treat is to do massage.
For me, the greater pleasure comes from the giving rather than getting. Don’t get me wrong, I like my neck and shoulders to get a good work-over, but I feel happier after I’ve been the giver.
This seems to support the findings in a recent Discover magazine article (you have to pay 99¢ to buy it) that indicates by using fMRI (f stands for functional), scientists are finding that the act of giving lights up more areas of the brain and creates more indications of pleasure than any other activity tested.
When we think of the statement, “It’s better to give than to receive,” we don’t often take it to heart, or in this case, to mind. But it appears that the selfish thing for us to do – for the sake of happiness – is to do more giving and have less concern for getting. The struggle for me is applying this during the workday and business transactions.
When I’m slammed on work commitments and a personal call comes in from a friend needing some time to talk, I want to give of my time. But the struggle comes in knowing that I’m still going to be at my desk when my friend is watching TV or already in bed.
Or when I’m estimating an assignment for a client, I love to be generous with my time and value. But if a buyer doesn’t appreciate the generosity, I find myself grumbling about the lost resources needed to maintain my energy and grow my business. It’s not the client’s fault if I give away my time without adequate remuneration or fail to light up my brain with the joy of giving.
A simple act of giving can be quite complex. It can stem from relatively pure intentions. Or it can be motivated by a poor self-image that uses giving as a means of compensating or as an attempt at “guilting” the receiver into giving us something we want in-kind. Neither of those are gifts. They’re transactions and they don’t light up our brains – or our hearts – in the same manner.
So in what ways do you give? How do you light up your brain’s switchboard?
Charles
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Attitude,
Giving,
Relationships
Americana Couple
Credit is a funny thing. When someone reaches a high point of success, it seems anyone who may have been in the vicinity of the success wants a piece of it, and a large part of the credit. But often, the person who gets credit for the success at hand is rather parsimonious in sharing the glory with those who helped.
As I’ve looked back over the last couple of years, I need to acknowledge that every success, way-point or goal along the way to a success was made possible by someone else’s help. One recent example is a photo I’ve been wanting to create for over a year.
There is a country store I pass on a regular basis with an American flag painted on the side. Every time I passed it, I knew I wanted to make an image incorporating the flag but nothing seemed to gel in my mind. As I was passing it one night, enough of the elements came together to water the seed in my mind. As a customer was walking from his car to the store, another driver was backing out of a parking space, the headlights of his car illuminating the flag and silhouetting the customer walking by.
Young couple in front of country store.
Having an idea is one thing; making an image out of it is yet another. I wrote out my thoughts and called my “go-to” buddy, Avery Clifton. Avery has been working with me on a number of projects this year and has a very good eye for details. I was in over-my-head conditions on a number of projects, but didn’t want to miss the opportunity to capture the image now stuck in my head. There was a particular Americana feel I wanted to capture, so finding the right models, wardrobe and classic truck were essential.
Although Avery had never taken on all of the production responsibilities for a shoot, he jumped into making phone calls and scouting. Within days, he had all the details in place and, with the exception of one rain delay, the shoot went off without a hitch. I absolutely know I could not have pulled off this production without his help.
And this is but one of several occasions where others have opened the door and held it, allowing me to glide through. As I look ahead, I am amazed and humbled at the opportunities to take on several future projects that are already being lined up. Two of the “rainmakers” who have recently been such an encouragement on many fronts are Bill Davis of Team Nimbus in Raleigh and Craig Mathews, the Chief Thinkologist at Big Think, Inc.
The store by day
Probably the biggest change in my thinking over the past few years has been from a mind set of “with persistence and determination I can eventually get anything done,” to one of “with the right partners more of the right things can get accomplished and everyone wins!” It’s a seismic shift that’s still shaking my world.
So, what collaborations are out there waiting for you follow up on? Who do you owe credit to for helping accomplish your goals? How can you help others accomplish theirs?
Charles
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Ideas,
Photography,
Portraits,
Relationships,
winning
I had an interesting experience recently while swimming.
As I was preparing to get into the pool, another swimmer was getting into the same lane at the opposite end. As is the normal etiquette, I waved to her indicating which side of the lane I’d take, and she waved back. As I started to slide in, I realized I’d forgotten to shower so I went back into the locker room, took a quick shower and hopped into the pool
The other swimmer was about mid-way up the lane, semi-stroking, floating along on her back as I pushed off. As I passed her, she let out a screech and started screaming at me. “What are you doing? You scared the hell out of me! Why are you in my lane?!?”
I wish I’d had a picture of my face. I came out of the water like a jack-in-the box, jaws wide open, eyes bigger than my goggles. What shot through my head and hit the tip of my tongue was “You stupid &!*#! What do you think I’m doing? I waved, you waved back. I’m swimming my laps! What’s with you? What are you doing in a swim lane if you don’t understand proper etiquette?”
What actually came out of my mouth was “I’m sorry. When I waved and you waved back I thought you knew I was sharing the lane with you. I didn’t intend to scare you. It was my fault. Do you mind if I share the lane with you?”
I don’t remember the response other than anger and dismissiveness as she bee-lined for the lifeguard to report me. I found out later that she was a first time swimmer and thought I was just waving earlier to be nice. When I ducked back in for my shower, she had thought I’d left and she started swimming.
When she finished her tête-à-tête with the lifeguard, she got back into the pool in another, now-open lane and we both went about our work-out. When I finished, I went over to her again and repeated my apology, almost verbatim. I genuinely was sorry that I’d startled her. She scolded me slightly and accepted my apology. I said, “Thank you. Take care.”
To be honest, I was slightly irritated that I was taking the rap for doing what was a normal custom. But, what the hell? In my mind, I startled her and I didn’t want her to feel she was under any kind of threat. Was there any cost to me to be kind rather than acting defensive?
The next time I swam, she was a couple of lanes over and waved at me as I popped up between laps. Later, in the whirlpool, she laughed at a story I told a buddy and we chatted like we were old friends. Again, to be honest, I found myself wanting to defend my actions and let her know that I’d been right in following decorum. After all, who was she to question me? Hell, I’ve been swimming for years. I know the rules!!! Like, who are you, lap-queen?
At the same time I was thinking, “You know, this is childish. Who gives a crap? Let it go and just be friendly.”
One of the greatest realizations I’ve come to through the years is that most of the baggage people carry through life is of their own choosing. And most of that weight is caused by lack of forgiveness over relatively small matters. Most problems come down to simple misunderstandings between people, over who’s following the proper “rules.” But through listening and not being defensive, even the most complicated problems really aren’t as complicated as they’re made out to be, once people just take the time to understand one another.
Anyway, I think I have a new pool buddy. Her name is Sandra.
Charles Gupton
http://www.charlesguptonphoto.com
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I have been tumbling a number of thoughts around in my head of late about the differences in working with men vs. women as clients. A recent corporate assignment highlighted a couple of observations for me.
I had a call at 9 p.m. on a Friday night a while back from a potential client who needed a portrait of the three top officers in her company created on the following Monday morning. I had been referred to her by another photographer who knows my work, so this was our first conversation. After giving me the urgent details, she, of course, asked about the cost. This allowed me to ask about the budget, intended uses and other needs she thought the company might have that I could take care of while I was already there. We discussed a number of ideas and I suggested a fee that would cover several variations and potential needs the company had. She agreed my proposal presented a better value and got the fee approved.
Normally, I would have confirmed the total budget in writing, but because of the late hour and the fact that it was the weekend, I was not able to get a written estimate into their hands until Monday morning. The expenses (assistant, travel and digital processing needed to meet a same day deadline) added another $293 to the fee I had quoted.
When the two top officers reviewed my estimate on the morning of the shoot, they immediately wanted the expenses dropped. I realized that miscommunication could erode the trust I had established with my contact and negotiated a drop in the price in exchange for dropping a couple of the additional photo variations we had discussed.
What was particularly interesting to me was my primary contact, a woman, was concerned with getting the best value for the money spent. The men focused totally on the price. She viewed the work I was producing as an investment. One that would save the officers (and her) time as well as money by not having to set up future photo shoots. Having a consistent look and high quality seemed to be important considerations to her.
Conversely, the two men were consumed with cutting the price. Cutting the number of usable images produced – or even having to sacrifice the quality of the images to rush the time – appeared to have no voice in the discussion of total value received. The only target they could see was price.
As a man, I hate to acknowledge this, but I think there is some genetic coding involved. Not only are women, by nature, better at multi-tasking, but they also seem to be able to see the big picture, including the details, much better than men. A man in general gets one thing, one detail, in his mind and that’s all he can focus on until he gets that task done.
I learned many years ago that price is but one factor in the total cost of a commercial exchange. Most women understand that. Many men don’t. I read sometime back that about nine out of ten photography buyers are women but that approximately the same percentage of the budget approvals are made by men.
Through the years, I have heard countless stories and witnessed numerous examples of corporate waste. I used to wonder how and why it occured so frequently. In time, I’ve begun to understand.
Charles Gupton
http://www.charlesguptonphoto.com
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Every family has them. So it also seems with every office, church, PTA, community group or anywhere there are a handful of people gathered in real or virtual proximity.
They are crazymakers.
I got the term from Julia Cameron’s “The Artist’s Way” and they’re people who seem to have too much time on their hands to mind their own affairs, so they focus their attention on minding other people’s business to the point that it seems they stir up trouble for trouble’s sake. In Cameron’s words, they are “charismatic but out of control, long on problems but short on solutions…the kind of people who can take over your whole life. Crazymakers like drama…everyone around them functions as supporting cast.”
I hate to admit it, but when I first read the term I thought, “Ouch, I resemble that.” Creative people, I believe, are especially prone to become crazymakers when they become focused on something besides the work they need to be creating.
A number of years ago, I was cranking out a lot of very profitable but less than inspiring images in my work. Even though I was shooting a good number of photographs, very few of them inspired or even involved my heart. That seemed to leave me plenty of time and energy to “make crazy” in the relationships around me. Few people were safe.
Fortunately, I saw the problem in time enough not to dismantle all my relationships. What that period did do for me was cause me to see that: 1) my creative energy and direction was more important than merely focusing on the financial goals and 2) even more importantly, to recognize other crazymakers for what they are so that I can avoid being drawn down into their pit of uncreative despair.
This doesn’t mean that crazymakers aren’t creative – it’s just that most of their creativity goes into their drama rather than productive work.
All of this came up because a couple of crazymakers in different compartments of my life recently raised their heads and tried to make crazy. In the past, I would have reacted and been drawn into their game. But, being a recovering crazymaker myself, I called their bluff and turned back to the work before me.
So I ask, are you doing the work you need to do to keep you from making crazy in the lives around you? Or, are there crazymakers around you whose emotional baggage you need to jettison to make the way easier to be more productive in your work?
Charles
http://www.charlesguptonphoto.com
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The Artist's Way
In the past week I’ve had the opportunity to attend two ASMP sponsored presentations by photographers Paula Lerner and Gail Mooney. Although I saw them on different nights, in different cities, I was not surprised to learn that they occasionally do presentations together. Both of them come out of a still photography background and have moved in the direction of coupling their knowledge of stills with video and audio skills to create incredibly moving multimedia pieces.
What continued to move me after both nights was more than the beauty of the work they’ve created. What added inspiration to my heart was their continuous passion to pursue their individual vision. Each of them showed personal projects that were obvious labors of love. But just as exciting were the commercial projects that revealed their love of communicating a story. The key in both
Visit Gail Mooney's Blog
instances was not just their technical skills but their passion as storytellers. The love they have for their work is palpable.
Their photographs were still playing in my mind this morning as I was reading a story at ScientificAmerican.com about one’s creativity being enhanced by falling in love. As I scrolled down the page, my perspective on the creative process got dialed in a little tighter. In essence, the research the article is based on looks at the global processing that our minds do when we engage in thinking about love from a long-term perspective. This is in contrast to the local processing that we do when our minds focus on short-term sexual desire. The hypothesis is that a long-term passion/perspective produces a more sustained, creative outlook, whereas a short-term, more “casual-sex” perspective produces a more analytical, less creative approach.
A couple of paragraphs into the article, I pictured an analogy to different perspectives towards business that I often witness. One is the short-term focus on getting the next project/client that (hopefully) will pay the over-due bills sitting on the desk. It is analogous to the “one-night stand” approach to relationships that may bring an immediate relief to the need to pay one’s bills but seldom leads to long-term satisfaction with the body of work that’s being created.
The other perspective, of course, is a longer-term relationship with one’s creative vision motivated by a passion to see that vision realized. That work is hard, but we make it even more difficult when we attempt to go it alone. I’ve come to believe that building a relationship, even with our own vision, requires a commitment to building relationships with other people. Finding other creative collaborators to work with allows one to focus on the big-picture, long-term view of a project without getting bogged down in the details that can rob one’s vital, creative energy. Plus it allows for other perspectives and objectivity in the work we’re doing.
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Paula made a comment during her talk indicating that her business model had transformed from one of shooting many assignments for myriad clients to a model of fewer clients wanting a deeper, more intimate body of work to use to tell their story. That change is allowing for a richer, more rewarding relationship with her clients and her vision.
As I meet with business people in dozens of different fields, it’s readily apparent to me whether they are taking a long-term approach to their business and relationships or a short-term, “I need this deal now!” view. As desperate as these economic times seem to be, I believe it’s the global, big-picture view that will produce a greater contentment and a better body of work to offer our clients.
What’s your take on this?
Charles
http://www.charlesguptonphoto.com
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Scientific American
As I listened to a number of 9/11 remembrances of loved ones lost, it caused me to think about the number of people we’ve lost in our lives that don’t get a special date to remember them by.
Over the years, I’ve had a number of friends who moved away or in some other manner changed the proximity or nature of the contact we had both shared and seemed to value. In each case, what I still miss about them is not so much the relationship as it was, but the potential it had for growth.
I had a call from one of my old buddies last week who’d stumbled upon my website awhile back and happened to be shooting an assignment nearby. Nearly thirty years ago, we were still in our formative years in this business and would get together for hours on end to discuss our industry, philosophy, the nature of human relationships, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and any other topic that bubbled to the surface. What I relished was the heady debate that is only possible in an environment of trust. We were soul mates in the realm of ideas. Our discussions fueled my creative juices. No area seemed off-limits for our questioning. Or so I thought.
My buddy and his girlfriend had been discussing marriage and he appeared to be having second thoughts about the lifetime commitment to this person. He asked me point blank what I thought. I told him. Point blank.
Although I liked her personally, I said they had very different personalities on many different levels and appeared to me to value very different lifestyles. Different personalities can stimulate a marriage. Opposing values can tear the fabric of the relationship. In what I thought was a brilliant decision, he proceeded to share my observations with her, allowing that they were my thoughts, not his. Not only was I scratched as a wedding guest, she forbade him from having a friendship or speaking with me again. Although I apologized and tried to repeatedly reach out, he wouldn’t speak to me again for years. The loss was a blow to my gut.
I’ve come to view the value of relationships similar to compounding interest on a principle investment. The secret is in regular deposits made over a long time with very few withdrawals. Neither your money nor your relationships are just sitting stagnant. Small deposits and compounding interest in both areas will make one richer. Although investments don’t require on-going deposits to make them grow, relationships do. No interest accumulates on a friendship that is ignored.
As I said earlier, what I miss most about friendships lost is the potential each one had for richness. Because we live in a transitory culture, most of my friendships withered because of career moves that took friends out of the area. Another major shift I couldn’t foresee came when we bought our farm and moved out of an urban center. I’ve learned that proximity does make a huge difference. It was no longer easy or convenient for friends to drop by for a spontaneous visit. It’s been difficult to see the investment we made into so many lives become so challenging to maintain. The relationships we have been able to continue are like gold to us. It requires more effort than ever, but we cherish and protect them.
How ’bout you? Do you find that in the age of so much ability to be “friends” on so many social platforms that real connections and friendships are more difficult than they’ve ever been?
Charles
http://www.charlesguptonphoto.com
On Twitter @ http://twitter.com/CharlesGupton
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Relationships
Do you think you’re powerless to make a significant change?
I encourage you to find a friend, your spouse, a parent, or someone else who’s significant in your life. Take their hand. Look them in the eye.
Tell them that you love them. Tell them some way that they have had an impact on your life or made a difference in how you think about matters. Let them know their care for you is important and that you care for them.
Don’t think that’s significant? Think about what it would mean for someone to do it for you.
Charles
http://www.charlesguptonphoto.com
On Twitter @ http://twitter.com/CharlesGupton
Tagged as:
Attitude,
Emotions,
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