Relationships

Driving a Stake of Commitment

It was thirty-six years ago today.

I stood, looking past the friends and family members who had gathered to witness the occasion, watching as my closest friend proceeded down the aisle towards me. Having barely a clue about what we were committing to during that wedding ceremony, we walked out of that church with the mindset of being one.

Linda and I were not close to being prepared for the difficulties that lay before us. I’m not sure one can be. But because we saw ourselves working as one unit – together from the start – on everything, we were able to face each trial as a challenge to grow and an opportunity to become stronger.

Even when we almost divorced around our five-year mark, we sat down and made a decision to double down on our focus to work together, in hopes of renewing the spark of shared purpose that we’d allowed ourselves to drift away from.

The decisions we made during that particular crossroads saved us many more times through the years because we had experienced the consequences of neglecting the seemingly insignificant acts of care that nourish a relationship, regardless of outside forces that may seek to tear it apart.

Difficulty can be a wedge that drives you apart — or the glue that binds you tighter. I believe it’s a decision that is made together.

The second half of our marriage has produced a glut of potential landmines we’ve navigated our way through including being foster parents, buying a farm, starting a farming business, surviving the destruction of the stock photography industry and our primary business focus, caring for aging relatives, the implosion of a church family dear to us, our own personal financial collapse, going through multiple re-configurations and re-builds of our businesses, surviving four rancorous years of fighting through two nasty lawsuits surrounding a family member’s estate, and Linda’s near death and brush with cancer.

But as we’ve turned the pages from most of those chapters, we’ve found ourselves closer and stronger because of the trials.

The lessons I’ve learned through the commitments we’ve made and have fought hard to keep have found their way into my relationships with business clients and friends. Although I don’t like conflict any more than next guy, I’ve come to realize that commitment stakes its ground in the midst of conflict.

I don’t believe in setting ‘take-it-or-leave-it’ ultimatums. My decision on whether I move forward in any venture is based on how committed the other person in the relationship is to working together so that a stronger bond is formed. In my experience, a ‘my-way-or-the-highway’ threat is going to end badly at some point. I’d just as soon end it early.

When we drive our stake in the ground and say that we value another person – stress, challenge, difficulty and all — over and beyond our own comfort, and then make the decision to face challenges together, we can have a powerful impact on the world around us.

I credit whatever impact I’ve had to the lessons I’ve learned through the journey I’ve shared with my wife and beloved partner, Linda. Words cannot express how thankful I am for her patience and perseverance with a man who does not merit the depth of grace and kindness she offers me daily.

What stakes have you driven and what have you learned from them?

~ Charles

Pause for Pregnant Thoughts – 3/3

This is the third of three summaries of the take-away thoughts I brought with me from our recent trip to the World Domination Summit (#WDA2015) in Portland OR. The excitement and follow through from the participants is amazing to me. If you want to read more from participants from other participants, I’ll have a list in tomorrow’s post.

WDS2015_DerekSivers_web — Derek Sivers rousing the crowd to quit doing what’s not working.

Derek Sivers (@sivers) on pursuing freedom:

Because most people don’t know why they’re doing what they’re doing, they settle for imitating others and going with their flow instead of establishing their own vision.
Commit to the problem you want to solve, not the outcome you want.
Spend more time learning and understanding and less time preaching.

Asha Dornfest (@ashadornfest) on how to be a grown up:

Embrace course corrections. Often when your plans fail, you feel as if you’ve failed. That’s not true. Correct your course and keep moving.
Some people just seem to be able to flip the ‘Epic’ switch and huge success comes their way. Usually success comes through a million small, consistent baby steps that are not seen by others. What the public sees is the ‘win’, not stumbling process of getting there.
Self-confidence grows every time you keep a promise to yourself.

Lissa Rankin (@Lissarankin) on seeking your calling:

Give life permission to break your heart.
Can you make peace with what’s true?
Develop “Prononia”, the belief that the universe is conspiring to back your desires.

Jeremy Cowart (@jeremycowart)

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

WDS_JiaJiang_web — Jia Jiang talking with Heath Padgett during a break in the Rejection Therapy academy.

Jia Jiang (@JiaJiang) on developing a personal rejection therapy:

Developing a comfort with rejection is like martial arts for your mind.
You have no control over whether someone says ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to a request. But you do have control over how you present yourself and your request. Focus on what you can control.
Decide on the number of rejections – a ‘no’ list – that you’re willing to overcome before quitting that particular endeavor and moving on. By picking a particular number – say 25, for instance – you can make the process sort of a game, knowing that you have to reach that number before quitting. Most people find success way before they reach their limit.

Don’t Over-Complicate a Simple Thing

It was a simple thing, really.

Buy some coffee and freely offer it to people standing in line for an event. Just say “Good morning,” exchange a few pleasantries, and move up the line.

But it was more than that. But not that much more.

I met Tim Weston as I was waiting to go into the auditorium for the second day of the 2015 World Domination Summit. He was walking up the line of attendees who were queued up, waiting for the doors to open.

Throughout its five-year history, the staff of WDS is legendary for providing unexpected surprises and comforts for those in attendance. But I noticed that Tim was wearing the blue name badge of an attendee and not the orange badge of a volunteer. It was not Tim’s job as a volunteer host to create an exceptional experience for the attendees in line.

Yet here he was, doing just that. He had purchased a container of coffee and was giving it away to anyone who need a cup. I asked him why.

Tim said he figured some people would have been standing in line for over an hour and might have missed getting coffee. Or maybe someone might just need a lift. Plus, as an introvert, it gave him an excuse to go up to people and speak to them. An effort to break through his own shyness, combined with a simple, thoughtful gesture to serve other people.

Tim didn’t tell anyone he bought the coffee or why he was doing it. He didn’t turn a spotlight on himself. He focused instead on serving others.

It was a simple gesture that well encapsulated the three tenets of WDS:

Community – Tim was thinking of other attendees waiting in line.

Service – He took action on behalf of them.

Adventure – It’s always an adventure when you sail into the waters of meeting people in unconventional ways, especially as an introvert.

Tim didn’t over complicate a simple process of meeting people and giving a piece of himself in service.

Tim was my hero for the day and provided a lesson in kindness that I’ll remember and emulate. Most of the time I make things more difficult than they have to be and muddle them up in the process.

I like it when my lessons come with a little cream and sugar. Thanks, Tim!

A Celebration of Investment

Thirty-five years ago, we were married. United in a ceremony in which we committed to the words, “until death us do part.”

Yet five years after that November day in 1979, we were in the process of planning a divorce. We were two years ahead of the seven-year itch, ready to separate our possessions and our lives.

We had grown in different directions and were in the mindset of portioning out what little we owned into boxes that would accompany each of us as we struck out on our individual, no longer united journeys.

There was no surface acrimony. We were eerily calm and reflective about the whole affair. But even the most well thought out logic is deeply infused with emotion.

In a moment of what I credit to be divine insight, I proposed that we take a month off from our plans to separate and, instead, go on a series of dates and act as if we were trying to get to know each other again. To ask questions about each other’s interest and explore them with the same degree of interest that we would if we were dating someone new, which we figured we might be doing relatively soon anyway.

As crazy as it sounds, it worked.

What had caused us to grow apart was a lack of willingness to grow together, to maintain a desire to express a genuine interest in what the other cared about.

Occasionally, I’ll hear the story of a couple that has had 30, 40, or even 50+ years of marital bliss. It has not been all rainbows and glitter for us through the years since. There were several times that we could have easily split apart. What kept us from pulling apart were the lessons we learned from that first near-divorce.

Although it was painful at the time, our imminent split was one of the best lessons we’ve faced. I learned how fragile our relationships can be and how important it is to work at salvaging them. I am stunned by how readily many people jettison other people because the relationship they share becomes difficult or challenging.

This past year – hell, the last several years — have had multiple stressful events that could’ve driven a wedge or created enough stress to split our alliance. But we now have the experience to understand and the tools needed to pull together rather than apart.

Thirty years ago, it felt so much easier to cash out our account rather than to invest in and fight for the long haul. I cannot emphasize enough the dividends we’ve received as a result of the struggles and celebrations that have come our way instead.

Because our anniversary falls so close to the Thanksgiving celebration, it’s a timely reminder each year of the blessings we’ve shared because of our challenges, not in spite of them.

I offer my thanks to Linda for staying with me on this journey and to the many folks throughout the years who’ve stuck with and encouraged us along the way.

Charles

Is Good, Enough?

“How we spend our days is how we spend our lives.” ~ Annie Dillard

Surely, you’ve experienced it.

As you’re working out the details for a pending project — or maybe while you’re in the middle of a vexing complication — your client comes to the conclusion that maybe the problem is the bar Is just set too high.

“Maybe we should just settle for something more realistic.”

“I’m not sure we’re going to have the budget to make this baby a prize-winner. Maybe on the next one.”

“Sometimes good enough really is, don’t you think?”

When I ask, “What do you want to eliminate and still keep the outcome acceptable?”, the response is usually a reflection of the decision maker’s fears or lack of commitment to excellence rather than the actual constraints of the situation. Seldom do the extra resources required to make a project stand out really cost significantly more in terms of budget or effort.

GoodEnough_Blog_0305 — Will settling for ‘Good Enough’ be good enough to build your life on?

The more deeply I become aware of the impact of self-protection issues in the workplace, the more I realize that many people, even those in seemingly high positions in organizations, are often afraid of excellence. They don’t want their work to stand out in a way that raises the bar because their next project may be compared to what they’ve done and new expectations set.

Are there ever times when “good enough” is? Sure!

But I believe making that decision in the planning stage of the project – based on the desired impact – is the right choice, not as a rationalization or an excuse for lack of commitment in the middle of the process.

As the opening quote by Annie Dillard suggests, when you spend your life – day after day after yet another tedious day – settling for good enough, you may one day find out that it wasn’t.

Charles

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