“In your zeal to persuade, you will stifle the voice of the other side. Misusing art to preach, your story will become a thinly discussed sermon as you strive in a single stroke to convert the world. – Robert McKee in “Story.
I believe the raw emotional desire of many people to be a part of something bigger than themselves overshadows their effectiveness in having a significant impact on things that have meaning to them.
The issue of same-sex marriage is one that is already polarizing and will only become more so. An interesting point to me is the number of people I know who don’t have a dog in the fight, per say — they’re in a heterosexual marriage with minimal contact with homosexuals — but see the debate as an issue of justice and have decided to take a stand.
I know equally committed people who believe that the sanctity of one man/one woman is the only foundation of marriage. Their concern is not only for loosening the definition of marriage. Many people believe that increasing tolerance for homosexuality also allows increasing acceptance of multiple-spouse marriages, sexual relationships between adults and children, and bestiality.
As I listen to many people present their reasoning for their point of view, not only do they believe their side is right, but they are so entrenched and immovable that no common ground can be established or tolerated. The image in my mind is from WWI battlefield scenes in which the enemies are dug in for the long fight. The ground between them is a no-man’s land strewn with barbed wire and casualties of battle.
I am strongly opinionated and have jumped into far more fights than I care to remember. Several have been life-altering and broken close friendships which have never healed. Looking back on the battles, a few of my views have not changed much. But the a majority of them have. If I were in politics, you would definitely call me a “flip flopper.” I call it growth. Maturity. Wisdom.
Using story is more effective in changing others' points of view than being more dogmatic about your own.
Time and experience have a way of filing off the sharp points. They may not alter the core make-up of our being, but like water constantly flowing over granite, we smooth out little by little over time.
Intransigence has its value. There are absolutes we should be willing to be bound by.
My issue is not with the inherent truths we believe. My concern is whether I am, and you are, actually making an impact or just making noise. Use your power to create useful electricity, not more static.
Whether two sides are firing mortars or insults, neither is affecting the change they want to see. When each side’s primary dogma is to undermine the enemy’s dogma, very little gets accomplished.
I deeply believe the human heart is called to be out of itself, to a purpose far bigger and more expansive than it can achieve on its own. To reach that purpose, it must develop the capacity to listen.
Blasting someone with your “facts” and your opinion won’t change their views. The only way to affect others’ views is to change the way they see themselves in their larger stories. To do that, you need to understand where they fit in their own story.
You have a decision to make. Do you want to continue with your emotional screed or do you want to be effective, to have an impact on changing the story? You can’t do both.
Charles
Tagged as:
Attitude,
Emotions,
Listening,
Story,
Writing
About two years ago, our neighbor Leroy died. A few months later his wife Carrie, facing progressive dementia, moved in with one of her daughters leaving a quiet shell of a house with no one around to share a greeting and passing thoughts about the weather.
Joe's dog tied to a tree
Several months ago, Joe, divorced and middle-aged, bought the house and immediately staked six dogs out in the yard. Although they have a 50-gallon barrel for shelter, they are never allowed off their chains and are never handled with any affection or attention. Their role is, ostensibly, to guard the property by barking at anything that moves. And bark they do. Throughout the day and night. Loud and piercing. Joe bought this place because he was forced out of his former rental because of the dogs.
I’d like to be able to say that I take the noise in stride through meditation and a calm spirit of understanding, but I don’t. Especially at 2:17 a.m. when the cacophony has awoken me and I can’t seem to get back to a deep sleep for hours.
But rather than getting angry about something I can’t control, I’m trying to understand what makes people lose awareness of their actions and the impact they have on others. Living in close proximity to others does not necessarily cause one to think in terms of being a neighbor. A residence is a place to sleep and store the stuff of one’s life. Being a resident in a place implies no responsibility to anyone else’s needs. Being a neighbor implies there is some.
Without care, it’s easy to take a ‘resident’ mindset into every aspect of our lives, whether it’s the cubicle we work in or the traffic we’re driving in. Cutting people off or polluting their environment with our ‘noise’ gives a measure of control with an “I’m out for me!” attitude. But at what cost?
Charles
Tagged as:
Attitude,
Listening,
Relationships
Do you matter?
It’s a question I’ve been pondering of late as I think about the value we bring to those around us. What makes any one of us matter to other people? The value we have is basically measured in what we do for other people. We are all either adding to or subtracting value from our environment. Either can be positive or negative.
Take social media as an example. Most of what’s added is noise. Most of the posts on Facebook and Twitter could be eliminated and no one would miss them. No one. Subtraction would be a good thing in that case. But adding value by pointing people to thoughtful content instead of thoughtless blather could make a significant difference in our “friends” lives.
In a business environment, most of what matters happens in the context of transaction. If I give you enough of what you want in exchange for what I want (without the elements of mistrust or uncertainty), then we may matter enough to each other to continue to trade so that our wants are consistently met. To matter to each other on a deeper level of relationship, we must meet deeper emotional needs. We must give more than the transaction demands – an investment that goes beyond what our “contract” requires.
Marriage is a good example of a relationship that many people treat as a transaction – “If I do this for you or give you that, what do I get in return?”.
Because most people are not willing to invest any more than the minimum required of them to meet their obligations, they don’t really matter to most of the people around them. They’re not irreplaceable. They have commodity relationships. There is an emptiness in their lives and they know it. They’re just not willing to make the investment of heart to make enough of a difference in order to matter.
Charles
Tagged as:
Attitude,
Emotions,
Listening,
Relationships
I have a business colleague who judges everyone else according to his own strengths. When people don’t measure up to his standard of strengths, they are dismissed as inadequate and unworthy of his business respect. Since his particular strengths are in the area of technology, I often fall short, in his view, of being the full measure of the man I should be.
After feeling the sting of this judgment a few times, I found myself getting fairly irritated in his company on every occasion. I found myself going into each encounter with a ready quip or two prepared to put him on the defensive by pointing out some of the shortcomings he might be overlooking. However, in a moment of clarity I realized, I am him; I have been that kind of person too. And is my heart of hearts, I still am.
I my heart, I have harshly judged people for how they choose to eat, spend their money, and spend their time. On many of those occasions, I have made comments that reflected my judgments in a way that stressed the relationship. Enough of those stress fractures and the relationship will be damaged beyond repair.
I’m not saying that we should not exercise our judgment – there’s far too little good judgment being used. What I am suggesting is that we decide how our particular insights can be of value rather than be demeaning.
I don’t believe that because I’ve not utilized technology to push my LinkedIn connections to 500+ makes me an unthoughtful person. Or that my phone, laptop and desktop are not perfectly synced with identical folders and using automatic smart-mailbox routing so that I have every contact’s complete information at my fingertips at all times is the strongest indication that I don’t care about other people.
I desperately need to make improvements in all areas of life involving technology. I have a lot of improvements to make in other areas as well. What I need is guidance. And encouragement. And support.
But derision causes defensiveness to rise up. Emotional barriers get built. Connection is lost, perhaps permanently.
Again, discernment is a very good and important quality to possess. What is even more important though is the end to which it’s used.
When we discover a weakness in a colleague or friend, do we merely point it out or possibly exploit it? Or do we use the knowledge as a means of building a bridge or a connection? As a means of building that person up?
By being more supportive of others growth, is it possible that we might become more open to others supporting our growth as well?
Charles
Tagged as:
Attitude,
Discernment,
Emotions,
Listening,
Relationships,
Social media,
Technology
You’ve probably heard the old saw – the second happiest day of a boat owner’s life is the day he buys it. The happiest day is when he sells it.
A number of years ago, my brother wanted to buy a boat. He asked everyone around him – including our dad – for advice on whether he should or should not go into debt to make this purchase. Everyone he asked, with the exception of the salesman he bought his boat from, counseled him to stay away from a boat, especially if it required taking on debt. Ostensibly, he was looking for objective counsel about a decision he was trying to make. But since the deal was already decided in his head, he was actually just looking for someone to agree with his rationale and help justify the purchase.
I made a similar mistake many years ago when I decided to spend about $50,000 of borrowed money on a direct mail postcard campaign in an attempt to get more national assignment work. I ran the numbers and justified the expense. I then asked a few select people – including Linda – for their thoughts on my reasoning. When all of them counseled against that load of debt for advertising, I further reasoned that they were motivated by fear and just trying to hold me back.
Although the increased exposure did eventually bring in enough work to cover most of the expense, it was not nearly worth the pain of covering the debt and the interest charges that mounted for several years. It was a foolish decision that cost us dearly. Nobody – especially Linda – was trying to hold me back. Everyone wanted what was best for us. But I was too arrogant to really listen. I wanted agreement.
I heard many years ago that an education is an expensive process, regardless of how the tuition is paid. And the cost can come in the form of one’s time and money.
Life is not long enough for any of us to gain all the wisdom we need by ourselves. We need to learn and have some of our education paid for by other people’s experiences. If someone else has already paid for and learned a particular lesson, wouldn’t it behoove us to listen and learn from them?
Of course, one always runs the risk of having counsel given out of someone else’s fear. If we choose to listen to people who live their lives with a scarcity or fear-based mentality, we will never try anything risky or daring. The trick is to select a set of advisers who have wisdom born out of failure but who’ve also picked themselves up and tried again until their passions succeeded.
I’m not sure if the day my brother sold his boat was his happiest. But I can’t express the sense of relief I had the day we paid off the debt of my advertising campaign. I may have gotten work from it, but it wasn’t worth the anguish. I learned a big lesson. When I ask for advice now, I listen. And when someone agrees with me too quickly on a big decision, I’m more inclined to question that person’s reasoning. Heck, I’m the one paying the tuition bill.
Charles
Tagged as:
Advice,
Attitude,
Listening,
Relationships
I enjoy being around people who are relaxed and fun to be with. Don’t you?
But similar to the axiom that to have friends you need to be a friend, to be welcome among fun people one needs to be a fun person.
That’s the rub for me. Sometimes I’m a fun person who’s relaxed and genuinely interested in the lives of my friends. But too much of the time I’m not. The difference in my attitude, I’ve noticed, is based on my attention on and awareness of one thing.
The clock.
When my attention is on how much I have to get done or where I have to be with a deadline as my focus then I have little room left for attention anywhere else. That means my ability to center my thoughts on another’s needs or to relax in the moment all but evaporates.
The struggle comes in realizing that one can learn to be efficient with things but not with people. Not if one wants to have effective relationships with them. No one I know wants to know they’re being time-managed. Do you? Very few people have the skills to manage people within the constraints of the clock and not leave them feeling managed. When we’re with our friends or other significant relationships, don’t we want to know that they’re truly “with” us to?
Are you fun to be with? How are you managing your time and relationships with the people you care for?
Charles
Tagged as:
Attitude,
Listening,
Relationships
I had an interesting experience recently while swimming.
As I was preparing to get into the pool, another swimmer was getting into the same lane at the opposite end. As is the normal etiquette, I waved to her indicating which side of the lane I’d take, and she waved back. As I started to slide in, I realized I’d forgotten to shower so I went back into the locker room, took a quick shower and hopped into the pool
The other swimmer was about mid-way up the lane, semi-stroking, floating along on her back as I pushed off. As I passed her, she let out a screech and started screaming at me. “What are you doing? You scared the hell out of me! Why are you in my lane?!?”
I wish I’d had a picture of my face. I came out of the water like a jack-in-the box, jaws wide open, eyes bigger than my goggles. What shot through my head and hit the tip of my tongue was “You stupid &!*#! What do you think I’m doing? I waved, you waved back. I’m swimming my laps! What’s with you? What are you doing in a swim lane if you don’t understand proper etiquette?”
What actually came out of my mouth was “I’m sorry. When I waved and you waved back I thought you knew I was sharing the lane with you. I didn’t intend to scare you. It was my fault. Do you mind if I share the lane with you?”
I don’t remember the response other than anger and dismissiveness as she bee-lined for the lifeguard to report me. I found out later that she was a first time swimmer and thought I was just waving earlier to be nice. When I ducked back in for my shower, she had thought I’d left and she started swimming.
When she finished her tête-à-tête with the lifeguard, she got back into the pool in another, now-open lane and we both went about our work-out. When I finished, I went over to her again and repeated my apology, almost verbatim. I genuinely was sorry that I’d startled her. She scolded me slightly and accepted my apology. I said, “Thank you. Take care.”
To be honest, I was slightly irritated that I was taking the rap for doing what was a normal custom. But, what the hell? In my mind, I startled her and I didn’t want her to feel she was under any kind of threat. Was there any cost to me to be kind rather than acting defensive?
The next time I swam, she was a couple of lanes over and waved at me as I popped up between laps. Later, in the whirlpool, she laughed at a story I told a buddy and we chatted like we were old friends. Again, to be honest, I found myself wanting to defend my actions and let her know that I’d been right in following decorum. After all, who was she to question me? Hell, I’ve been swimming for years. I know the rules!!! Like, who are you, lap-queen?
At the same time I was thinking, “You know, this is childish. Who gives a crap? Let it go and just be friendly.”
One of the greatest realizations I’ve come to through the years is that most of the baggage people carry through life is of their own choosing. And most of that weight is caused by lack of forgiveness over relatively small matters. Most problems come down to simple misunderstandings between people, over who’s following the proper “rules.” But through listening and not being defensive, even the most complicated problems really aren’t as complicated as they’re made out to be, once people just take the time to understand one another.
Anyway, I think I have a new pool buddy. Her name is Sandra.
Charles Gupton
http://www.charlesguptonphoto.com
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Tagged as:
Attitude,
Emotions,
Listening,
Relationships
Are you listening?
I was not a great listener most of my life. Actually, I was a very poor listener. Although I could come up with a number of reasons, the bottom line was that I didn’t care about what other people thought as much as I did about what I thought. And I thought they should be more interested in what I thought too. So even though I’d wait until they stopped talking to speak, all I was waiting for was an opening to share my great wisdom. Know anyone like that?
A few years ago, a confluence of several events caused me to realize how my self-centered ways were keeping me from developing deeper relationships. I found that people don’t really care how much you know until they know how much you care. Not only does listening show that you care, it gives you information to care about.
In the spirit of the “Brand You” movement that so many branding gurus have been espousing over the last couple of years, I started refining who I wanted to become in terms of the public perception of me. I also realized that the branding I wanted to take place had less to do with how much money I spent to create a perception than it did with who I was becoming as a person. I wanted my ‘brand’ to be someone who listens well, someone who genuinely cares. Not surprising, maybe, but we all have to ‘do’ before we ‘become’.
Have I become a great listener? I don’t think so. But, I have become better. I’m learning to ask better questions as I try to clarify, to understand the heart within a statement.
As more of our conversations take the form of electronic conveyance, I see the same need to express interest in others’ thoughts. If the posts about social networking etiquette are any indication, folks are still annoyed by those who dominate the discussion with cries of “Look at me!!!”
In Seth Godin’s book Tribes, he writes “What most people want in a leader is something that’s very difficult to find: we want someone who listens.”
A great overview of the proper social graces when using Twitter can be found in this post by Jenny Cromie. Seems to me that they’re equally applicable in any conversational setting.
How are you leading? How are you listening? Do you feel that you’re being heard? What do you think?
Charles
www.charlesguptonphoto.com
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Jenny Cromie,
Listening,
Seth Godin
I just read a great example of using social media for marketing in a constructive and relevant way. In this Adweek.com story, the developers of Bacon Salt – a spice that makes everything taste like bacon – explain
how they used social media platforms to generate buzz before a product was even ready to sell. But the take-away message for me was not so much that they generated buzz, but how they handled it.
In her book “Marketing to Women,” Marti Barletta emphasizes that when marketers speak to the needs of women, the bar is raised for men as well. And although women are generally willing to express it more than men, what is one of the most important needs all people have? To be listened to, to be heard. Apparently Justin Esch and Dave Lefkow have learned and responded to that need and succeeded through the process. Like all relationships, time committed and genuine interest are more important than money spent trying for a quick result. Having a product that generates good buzz doesn’t hurt. But the key to growth is handling that buzz in a thoughtful manner.
Could it be that financially tight times could lead to better service and listening to buyers needs?
Charles Gupton
http://www.charlesguptonphoto.com
Tagged as:
Adweek,
Bacon Salt,
Listening,
Social media
