Charles Gupton

Happy

Creating Space for Gratitude

Creating time and emotional space to be thankful in the midst of a deep struggle — or even a time of emotional darkness — does not seem either intuitive or congruent with the over-riding fear of a particular moment.

However, I’ve come to believe that it is one of the most important and necessary actions we take during the times of discouragement we all, at one point or another, have to face.

And by action, I mean that being thankful, or showing gratitude, is an intentional, active process. 

About three years ago, I was reading a magazine article about a woman who, in preparing for a divorce, had kept a daily log of the things her husband did wrong and the ways that he upset her. It occurred to me in that moment that if she’d instead kept a journal of everything her husband did right, and that she appreciated about him and her life, the story might’ve taken a different turn.

That day, I started a ‘gratitude’ journal where I write down every night as I’m going to bed at least three things that I am grateful for or that I did right that day. It has transformed my thinking.

This year has been the most tumultuous year that I can remember, in both the business and personal aspects of my life. But the process of acknowledging the good things that I’m grateful for each day has helped me go to sleep with a positive frame around each day, minimizing the stress and worry that almost certainly would have kept me from getting the sleep my mind and body needed.

It seems too simple. Too benign to have any significance.

But the daily habit – the process – of reflecting on the people in my life and the gifts that have flowed out of each day’s abundance has made a huge difference in how I approach my life. I find myself looking for what each opportunity offers rather than what it costs. I find myself anticipating good, so that I’ll have something good to write. And that, in itself, is something I’m grateful for.

Charles 

Fake it ‘til You Make…What?

We’ve all done it at some point. Most do it to some degree every day. We act, in front of other people, as if things are going well when we don’t ourselves have the confidence that they are. We’re hoping that we can simply “fake it ‘til we make it.”

Just as there is evidence that smiling when you don’t feel happy will make you happier, there is great evidence that “acting as if” something will happen greatly increases the likelihood of that “something” happening. It truly does help to believe in a vision as a means of making it come true.

Does “faking it” help or hamper your road to success?

I’ve been striving for so long to hit some of my career goals that I no longer know whether I’m “faking” my belief that perseverance will lead to success or whether my belief is really real. And does it really matter?

However, can there be a point at which believing that something will succeed, even in the face of all evidence that it won’t, hampers the ability to move ahead in a new direction, with a new solution, that does have a chance of getting us where we want to be?

That question has infused my mind for the past several days after I had a conversation with a friend this week. She’s been more evasive than normal, wearing an “everything’s great” facade like a smile-on-a-stick. As she started to explain how hectic, but great, everything’s been going, she broke down in tears to say that although her career was taking a turn for the better, her marriage has been crumbling over the past year.

The desire to keep up an appearance of success in her community was critical for her to not be seen as “damaged goods” while looking for a new job. Although I understand, I also wonder how much emotional fuel we burn trying to maintain appearances rather than using that energy to get where we need to be. Who do we want in our community, people who understand the complexity of juggling life’s ups and downs — or those who live to judge?

What is the life that we’re making that makes up for all of our faking?

Charles

Striving Towards Happy

For all of my adult life, I have been a “striving” person. For the most part, I still am. By striving, I mean being discontent with where I am and actively pursuing my next goal. Early in my career, I was striving to build a business and my career. As it has been with many of my peers in the creative and communication fields, the last several years have been spent striving to rebuild a career and a business.

But the coin of discontent, of striving, has two sides to it. The positive side of discontent is that it moves us out of complacency. The two motivations for change are (1) to move towards something that will lead to more pleasure and (2) to move away from a situation that is causing us pain. One or the other must prevail in order for us to divorce ourselves from our current habit.

The negative side of discontent is that, by definition, when we are discontent, we’re not happy. Because I’ve spent the bulk of my life in the mode of striving to become, I’ve seldom been “happy” with who I’ve been. I believed happiness was far over-rated. But not so much anymore.

I am coming to believe that happy people can be more productive people. Thoughtful, happy people are generally more focused on who they are and the process of what they’re doing. Strivers focus primarily on what they’ve not yet gotten done. When you are busy with striving, it is easy to confuse activity with accomplishment. It’s difficult to be happy when you are focused solely on your forward motion and never on the joy of your accomplishments along the way.

What’s your take on it?

Charles

Mindfully Mindlessly Happy

Not all happiness is bliss. Or thoughtful. Or purposeful.

A lot of what I see defined as happiness in people is really mindlessness. Although that seems harsh, I’m often envious of the ability of some to go along without the nagging questions of purpose and objectives holding forth with each decision on the journey. These questions add weight and limitations.

But carrying these questions are like packing food and water on a hike into the wilderness. Although they create limitations that weigh you down, they also allow the freedom to go deeper into the unknown with confidence while you explore. Mindless “happies” are less burdened but never appear to know the joy that comes with exploring anything with depth.

What I’m looking for, and increasingly giving myself permission to do, is to not have to pursue every endeavor deeply. To allow myself the giddy pleasure of surfing a subject on the surface for no purpose other than the momentary pleasure. It’s like taking a bite out of every dish or dessert on the pot-luck table with no thought of calories consumed or nourishment received. Just allowing myself the pleasure of taking a bit or two from whatever I fancy with no further commitment to the dish. Or the preparer.

The trouble with mindfulness is that it doesn’t have a switch (that I’ve found). The solution I’m working towards — to be oxymoronic — is to practice being mindfully mindless for short periods of time so that my mind can rest. To simply breathe deep and allow myself to be happy without thinking or purpose. Just simply to be. Happy.

Charles

How Happy is Your Story?

The starting point for happiness is a decision. Abe Lincoln is quoted as saying, “A man is about as happy as he makes up his mind to be.”

When I catch myself dwelling on situations in our lives that are stressful — situations that I can do very little, if anything, about — my attitude and spirit tend to plummet. That’s not surprising. What is surprising, if not alarming, is that I understand that I am making the choice to dwell on something that is outside of my control. As a result, I’m making the choice to allow my spirit to flag. These are not outside influences. It is internal, In my own mind.

I know through established research and my own experience that choosing to focus on situations that are within my influence, if not my control, is a path of far more contentment.

So much of our story, both personal and business, is shaped by the stories we create in our minds. When the stories are stressful, our lives appear to us as spinning out of control. When we focus on situations that are in our influence and take the necessary actions to affect them, I find that we are far more content and happy.

The decision has been to either allow the loop of fear to run or to stop it and start playing the loop of possibility and hope. Either way, I’m about as happy as I’ve decided I want to be.

And you?

Charles