Charles Gupton

Archives for August 2012

Cultivating for Growth

“Everybody thinks of changing humanity and nobody thinks of changing himself.” ~ Leo Tolstoy

In my last post, I pointed to some thoughtful comments from a Facebook friend about cultivating a life done well. Along the way I have observed that the cultivation process can be a lonely pursuit, as well.

A lot of people talk about growing and changing, but not many are willing to suffer the discomfort of doing so. Most people are more comfortable if those around them stay just like them rather than joining in on the journey of growth. The process of growing often requires developing new friendships to replace the ones left behind as one grows.

Just as it does for plants, cultivating the “soil” of our minds allows for new ideas to grow in a better environment.

The pain of challenging one’s paradigm gets more intense as one ages. The older you become, the deeper your roots are within your support community. The more entrenched your roots, the more painful is the process of uprooting your beliefs — both for you and those around you. It’s easier and less disturbing for all if we stay “planted” in our mindset.

The more deeply I care for someone, the harder I press them to examine their own paradigm and grow. My reasons may be as much selfish as they are altruistic. If I love them, I don’t want to lose them. But I’m more afraid of growing old and stagnant than I am of not being able to develop new relationships that allow for the evolution of ideas and the actions those ideas require.

I want the story of my life to be active and constantly amended. The process of cultivation — of the soil and one’s mind — is digging up and loosening what’s there so that new growth and a rich harvest can occur.

What’s your take?

Charles

Sifting for Gold

I don’t come to social media looking for emotional uplift. If I’m not already “up,” I generally don’t get on the Internet at all. Most of what I scan seems to run the gamut from saccharin to cynical.

I’ve started unsubscribing from those who mainly spout their angry political screeds, but I’ve found that a lot of the positive messaging gets annoying as well because so much of it is canned rather than personal reflection.

My approach to social media is akin to panning for gold — I know I’m gonna sift a lot of silt to find my flakes of gold. But when I find it, it sparkles.

My Facebook friend Ariel had a post recently that sparkled with thoughtful reflection. The start of her list for “doing life well” is “challenging and reforming one’s beliefs,” the pursuit of which can be very rewarding, I believe. The challenge is to do a little bit of it every day.

We live our lives not just as individuals but also as a reflection of those with whom we associate and the times we live in. And we are not living in times of great self-reflection. Although there are countless ways to seek self-help from “experts,” even that phenomenon is indicative of the lack of discipline to look inward. More often than not, the values I hear most people espouse are those they’ve gathered from the media and their friends. It’s group-think at best.

The gold flakes of self-cultivation and thought that I encounter are truly an encouragement. They cause me to stop in the moment and reflect, “Are the  tasks that I’m engaged in at this time a reflection of the values I espouse or am I working at achieving someone else’s?”

Charles

Fake it ‘til You Make…What?

We’ve all done it at some point. Most do it to some degree every day. We act, in front of other people, as if things are going well when we don’t ourselves have the confidence that they are. We’re hoping that we can simply “fake it ‘til we make it.”

Just as there is evidence that smiling when you don’t feel happy will make you happier, there is great evidence that “acting as if” something will happen greatly increases the likelihood of that “something” happening. It truly does help to believe in a vision as a means of making it come true.

Does “faking it” help or hamper your road to success?

I’ve been striving for so long to hit some of my career goals that I no longer know whether I’m “faking” my belief that perseverance will lead to success or whether my belief is really real. And does it really matter?

However, can there be a point at which believing that something will succeed, even in the face of all evidence that it won’t, hampers the ability to move ahead in a new direction, with a new solution, that does have a chance of getting us where we want to be?

That question has infused my mind for the past several days after I had a conversation with a friend this week. She’s been more evasive than normal, wearing an “everything’s great” facade like a smile-on-a-stick. As she started to explain how hectic, but great, everything’s been going, she broke down in tears to say that although her career was taking a turn for the better, her marriage has been crumbling over the past year.

The desire to keep up an appearance of success in her community was critical for her to not be seen as “damaged goods” while looking for a new job. Although I understand, I also wonder how much emotional fuel we burn trying to maintain appearances rather than using that energy to get where we need to be. Who do we want in our community, people who understand the complexity of juggling life’s ups and downs — or those who live to judge?

What is the life that we’re making that makes up for all of our faking?

Charles

Being Responsible, Responsibly

Taking responsibility for a mistake means more than saying “I did it, but it wasn’t my fault,” when finally backed into a corner.  Accepting responsibility requires not shifting blame to another party but taking the necessary steps to make amends.

You witness examples of people not taking responsibility on a regular basis, don’t you?

Your doctor performs an unnecessary exam that you’re charged for without telling you until you get the bill. He tries to deflect responsibility but still expects you to pay the bill.

A co-worker commits to getting some key information for a project you’re responsible for, but doesn’t come through. She says “I got caught up with another project.” But you’re still left in the bind.

A friend lets some gossip slip out that hurts another relationship dear to you, but refuses to correct the mistake, leaving you in an awkward position.

In every case of shifted responsibility, an action was taken – or not – that leaves you in a difficult situation. The offending party, seemingly, walks away unscathed.
We have all experienced the wasted time and frustration dealing with the unwillingness of some people to ever step up and own their responsibility for screwing up.

But when clarity of thought resumes, the question to ask is: “In what situations am I overlooking my responsibility to take responsibility?”

Charles