From Fear to Anger to Awareness

June 11, 2013

 

I have three angry, negative relationships that are impacting my life, but I don’t know how to extricate myself from any of them. Maybe you have some of those as well. That’s why I want to share this.

The first is with my brother. He is terribly vindictive, bitter and angry. He’s been in alcohol treatment several times, arrested for domestic violence, and had two wives leave him. Because we are the next of kin for two aunts whose estates are tied up in South Carolina probate cases and because our father is still alive, we have financial ties that can’t be severed for some years to come.

The second is with the stepdaughter and step-granddaughter of my Aunt Caroline. Because they forged an alternate will, my aunt’s estate is tied up in a probate legal case that will likely take 2-3 years to resolve. My aunt’s husband specifically wrote his daughter out of his will because of their broken relationship. She has a police record for embezzlement. The forged will only surfaced after my aunt’s death from complications stemming out of suspicious food poisoning.

The third is a neighbor who raises pit bull puppies to be sold for protection and fighting. We also have reason to believe he deals in drugs and stolen goods. The care of the animals is minimal. The stench and noise from the puppies is quite annoying. He also has a police record and is known for violence.

I find my irritation rises not only when I have to use valuable creative energy to deal with the mess these soul-sucking crazy-makers create, but also when I read or hear trite advice to simply cut the negative people out of one’s life. It’s as simple as deciding to wish away the cancer that has consumed a victim’s body.

What I’m trying to do instead is learn and grow from the experience of dealing with these difficult individuals. By sharing my observations, I hope to more deeply understand what I perceive.

What I consistently notice about anger is that it stems from deep, unresolved fear. What each of these people has is a fear that is so deeply entrenched that there is almost no way to get to the cause and expose it for scrutiny and resolution. The emotion of anger has become so raw and close to the surface that there is no regard for who gets damaged by it.

What scares me most is how easily I can be infected by their hatred. I’d like to believe I’m so strong that I can’t be touched by their negative energy. But that’s like pretending I’m invincible to radiation while standing in the core of a nuclear reactor. The first contact with any of them produces a reactionary, lizard-brain flash of anger in return.

It scares me because my reaction means I must also be holding on to a fear so deep that I can’t name it or detect it. At least not quickly enough to stop my own negative flush of adrenaline. It would be so easy to point the finger at others in regards to their evil without recognizing how close to them I really am in my emotional response.

I don’t now how much I would pay to disentangle myself from these sorts of people. But even if they were gone, without dealing with my own deep fears, I’m still going to be stuck with myself.

How about you? Do you have any angry people or negative situations where an aphorism or positive mantra won’t turn your mind around? How do you respond? How is it transforming you?

Let me know. I still have a lot to learn.

Charles

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Tagged as: Attitude, Emotions, Relationships, Thinking

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Is Anger the Best Road to Understanding?

April 10, 2013

As I’ve watched the fevered debate over extending marriage benefits to gay couples, gun control, as well as a number of other issues, I can’t help but wonder what many people hope to accomplish by their fervor.

I’ve often found that when people are quick to stake a claim on a particular cause or position, they are equally slow in their willingness to shift or change their position.

The nature of humans is such that once we publicly commit to an ideology, we are very unlikely to shift our positions or views to consider new evidence or opinions. And once entrenched in a point of view, most folks get angry towards everyone who does not share their position on the matter.

The challenge is that there is seldom one absolute, perfect solution. There are nuances to all controversial matters, whether they are subjects as diverse as gay rights, fracking, gun control, universal health care, organic vs. conventional food systems, etc.

By keeping an open mind for discussion and debate, we have a better chance of understanding the nuances that lead to better possibilities rather than limiting the options to a “victory” for one side and a desire for vindication from the other.

Have you ever been persuaded by someone who was angry and dogmatic? By friends attempting to stuff their points of view down your throat? Did it change your mind or your emotions?

If you, a reasonable person, were not moved to greater understanding of an opposing view by an angry outside argument, what makes you think anyone else would be either?

When I see people changing their profile pictures on social media to represent their side of an issue or otherwise taking a stand for a particular cause, it prompts me to question their motive. Are they really trying to affect a change they believe in — or are they simply trying to say to the people in their peer group that “I’m one of you, too!”

Since most people connect on social media with people who share their homogeneous beliefs, it really doesn’t impact change. It simply shouts “Me too!”

Courage is displayed and change achieved less by shouting one’s dogma (It’s usually ‘their’ dogma and ‘our’ truth…) and more by gently asking questions which lead to our own growth and understanding.

What we need are leaders who have the ability and courage to take a stand based on core values — but a willingness to modify those beliefs as new understanding emerges. I realize that it’s human nature to demonize “them” as a means of solidifying “us.” But we don’t show boldness when we run from the things we fear. Courage comes from questioning why we’re angry and facing the fear that caused the rage to surface.

Charles

 

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Tagged as: Emotions, Listening, Relationships, Thinking

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Are You Seeking Approval or Growth?

January 31, 2013

At the end of a recent business meeting, the facilitator immediately began asking the participants for an evaluation of her efforts. How was the structure? Pacing? Content? All of her questions were driving for a quick summation of “How did I do?”

When a positive response – “You were great!” – was offered, she beamed and gave a quick account of her efforts in planning the details. Several people also offered a suggestion for some improvement, but were cut off with a defensive argument about why their idea wouldn’t work.

While her requests were posed as a search for objective feedback, she appeared to be looking only for approval. Nothing wrong with that. We all can use a confidence boost when we’ve pushed our comfort boundaries.

The risk lies in confusing bon mots with information we need to make our efforts better. Although we need both, the key lies in separating the two by asking different questions. And then listening – without defense – to the answers. Asking questions such as the following could give better insights to help you offer better value and ensure you’ll be asked to come back again.

What aspects of the presentation created value for you? Why?
What are some areas for improvement and how?
Who would you recommend to hear this presentation and why?

By distinguishing between where you are now with where you desire to be, you can use the positive qualities you already posses to contribute to the place you’re capable of growing to.

Charles

 

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Tagged as: Attitude, Business, Thinking

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From Perfect to Good

November 26, 2012

One of the greatest realizations that I’ve come to – and am still coming to – is that the standard for what is acceptable quality in the communications world has radically changed. Over the last decade, my bent towards perfectionism has taken numerous hits.

The transition from print to web dominance in communications has greatly reduced the need for high resolution images. Couple that with the trend towards creating photos on smart phones and tablets, and many photographers are left feeling that their extensive training and creative abilities are now far undervalued.

While I would never tell artists to stop caring about their creations or throw the quality of their craftsmanship aside, I have come to realize that the quantity of time and attention to detail given needs to be appropriate to the final usage of the images that we produce.

Charles

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Tagged as: Attitude, Creativity, Economy, Photography, Thinking

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Using Your Potential

October 30, 2012

My personal mission in life is “to optimize the value of people’s lives by encouraging them to reach their potential.”

About fifteen to twenty years ago, there were several waves of books and articles stressing the importance of having a personal mission statement and, if possible, aligning it with one’s business culture as well.

Although the fad passed, I’ve revisited and tweaked mine through the years and continue to find that the core thread has remained consistent.

The primary value of writing out my life’s core purpose many years ago was that, when I used it, everything I did could be measured against it and I could see that my most fulfilling relationships – personal and business – came out of serving others‘ potential.

Whenever a potential client contacts me, I always ask, as part of my discovery process, “How do you see my work with you forwarding your goals and helping your company reach its potential?” It helps me stay focused on and align my work with what my clients’ need.

But I’ve also come to realize that I get terribly frustrated, and unfortunately very irritated, with individuals and businesses who refuse to use their abilities and potential, but instead remain static and scared to move forward. I see it way too often.

Whatever the excuse – too young, too old, too little time, too little money, under qualified, over qualified – the underlying cause is always fear. It sounds overly simplistic to say, but you have to take the risk and move out in some small way, anyway.

Waiting until the landscape changes could create an easier journey but it could create more obstacles as well. And even if conditions do improve, there are steps that can be taken now that will make it even easier down the road.

Waiting until the election is over, until we get past the holidays, after the New Year, when it gets a little warmer, or any other fear-based excuse will not make it any better. You’re just wasting your great potential to make a difference and a better life for yourself. Today.

Charles

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Tagged as: Attitude, Business, Creativity, Thinking

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Reading Pleasure Back into My Life

September 25, 2012

I’ve stumbled back into the arms of an old love.

Growing up, I loved to read biographies. I’d check out a short stack of books every week or two from the library and consume them rather than doing my school work. I’m not sure whether my passion was fueled by the pleasure of traveling through the lives of historical figures or by my rebellion against studying what my teachers assigned, but I flat tore through ‘em.

However, one unfortunate morning I was caught with a library book cradled inside of the science book which I was supposed to be reading instead. My sixth-grade teacher stood me up in front of the class and dressed me down for wasting my time reading library books instead of my science, math, and other school books that would help me advance in grades. Rather than turn my attention towards school books, out of embarrassment and emotional trauma I virtually stopped reading altogether.

Although I came back to reading, I was well into my adult years before I started reading for pleasure again. Most of my book time was spent acquiring business knowledge or developing my craft. I still harbor feelings of illicit pursuits when I pick up a book simply for the pleasure it might deliver. But what I’ve continued to re-discover is that time spent in pleasure reading brings no shortage of practical return.

As I’ve returned to biographies for the sake of pleasure, I continually find that the qualities and lessons of great leadership are timeless. I’m also reminded that the qualities of fear, insecurity, self-serving pettiness, and ignorance often lead to great waste of financial, but more importantly human, capital. Although it may be difficult to replace lost money, it’s not nearly as challenging as rebuilding after spurned, burned, or broken relationships have occurred.

With Linda’s encouragement, I’m increasingly adding back the pleasures that round out my life. While my growth as a business person is still important, I also strive for balance in the nuances of being human.

Charles

 

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Tagged as: Leadership, Reading

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Cultivating for Growth

August 28, 2012

“Everybody thinks of changing humanity and nobody thinks of changing himself.” ~ Leo Tolstoy

In my last post, I pointed to some thoughtful comments from a Facebook friend about cultivating a life done well. Along the way I have observed that the cultivation process can be a lonely pursuit, as well.

A lot of people talk about growing and changing, but not many are willing to suffer the discomfort of doing so. Most people are more comfortable if those around them stay just like them rather than joining in on the journey of growth. The process of growing often requires developing new friendships to replace the ones left behind as one grows.

Just as it does for plants, cultivating the “soil” of our minds allows for new ideas to grow in a better environment.

The pain of challenging one’s paradigm gets more intense as one ages. The older you become, the deeper your roots are within your support community. The more entrenched your roots, the more painful is the process of uprooting your beliefs — both for you and those around you. It’s easier and less disturbing for all if we stay “planted” in our mindset.

The more deeply I care for someone, the harder I press them to examine their own paradigm and grow. My reasons may be as much selfish as they are altruistic. If I love them, I don’t want to lose them. But I’m more afraid of growing old and stagnant than I am of not being able to develop new relationships that allow for the evolution of ideas and the actions those ideas require.

I want the story of my life to be active and constantly amended. The process of cultivation — of the soil and one’s mind — is digging up and loosening what’s there so that new growth and a rich harvest can occur.

What’s your take?

Charles

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Tagged as: Attitude, Business, Emotions, Friendship, Relationships, Success, Thinking

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Sifting for Gold

August 21, 2012

I don’t come to social media looking for emotional uplift. If I’m not already “up,” I generally don’t get on the Internet at all. Most of what I scan seems to run the gamut from saccharin to cynical.

I’ve started unsubscribing from those who mainly spout their angry political screeds, but I’ve found that a lot of the positive messaging gets annoying as well because so much of it is canned rather than personal reflection.

My approach to social media is akin to panning for gold — I know I’m gonna sift a lot of silt to find my flakes of gold. But when I find it, it sparkles.

My Facebook friend Ariel had a post recently that sparkled with thoughtful reflection. The start of her list for “doing life well” is “challenging and reforming one’s beliefs,” the pursuit of which can be very rewarding, I believe. The challenge is to do a little bit of it every day.

We live our lives not just as individuals but also as a reflection of those with whom we associate and the times we live in. And we are not living in times of great self-reflection. Although there are countless ways to seek self-help from “experts,” even that phenomenon is indicative of the lack of discipline to look inward. More often than not, the values I hear most people espouse are those they’ve gathered from the media and their friends. It’s group-think at best.

The gold flakes of self-cultivation and thought that I encounter are truly an encouragement. They cause me to stop in the moment and reflect, “Are the  tasks that I’m engaged in at this time a reflection of the values I espouse or am I working at achieving someone else’s?”

Charles

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Fake it ‘til You Make…What?

August 13, 2012

We’ve all done it at some point. Most do it to some degree every day. We act, in front of other people, as if things are going well when we don’t ourselves have the confidence that they are. We’re hoping that we can simply “fake it ‘til we make it.”

Just as there is evidence that smiling when you don’t feel happy will make you happier, there is great evidence that “acting as if” something will happen greatly increases the likelihood of that “something” happening. It truly does help to believe in a vision as a means of making it come true.

Does “faking it” help or hamper your road to success?

I’ve been striving for so long to hit some of my career goals that I no longer know whether I’m “faking” my belief that perseverance will lead to success or whether my belief is really real. And does it really matter?

However, can there be a point at which believing that something will succeed, even in the face of all evidence that it won’t, hampers the ability to move ahead in a new direction, with a new solution, that does have a chance of getting us where we want to be?

That question has infused my mind for the past several days after I had a conversation with a friend this week. She’s been more evasive than normal, wearing an “everything’s great” facade like a smile-on-a-stick. As she started to explain how hectic, but great, everything’s been going, she broke down in tears to say that although her career was taking a turn for the better, her marriage has been crumbling over the past year.

The desire to keep up an appearance of success in her community was critical for her to not be seen as “damaged goods” while looking for a new job. Although I understand, I also wonder how much emotional fuel we burn trying to maintain appearances rather than using that energy to get where we need to be. Who do we want in our community, people who understand the complexity of juggling life’s ups and downs — or those who live to judge?

What is the life that we’re making that makes up for all of our faking?

Charles

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Tagged as: Attitude, Business, Emotions, Happy, Story, Success, winning

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Being Responsible, Responsibly

August 6, 2012

Taking responsibility for a mistake means more than saying “I did it, but it wasn’t my fault,” when finally backed into a corner.  Accepting responsibility requires not shifting blame to another party but taking the necessary steps to make amends.

You witness examples of people not taking responsibility on a regular basis, don’t you?

Your doctor performs an unnecessary exam that you’re charged for without telling you until you get the bill. He tries to deflect responsibility but still expects you to pay the bill.

A co-worker commits to getting some key information for a project you’re responsible for, but doesn’t come through. She says “I got caught up with another project.” But you’re still left in the bind.

A friend lets some gossip slip out that hurts another relationship dear to you, but refuses to correct the mistake, leaving you in an awkward position.

In every case of shifted responsibility, an action was taken – or not – that leaves you in a difficult situation. The offending party, seemingly, walks away unscathed.
We have all experienced the wasted time and frustration dealing with the unwillingness of some people to ever step up and own their responsibility for screwing up.

But when clarity of thought resumes, the question to ask is: “In what situations am I overlooking my responsibility to take responsibility?”

Charles

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